Welcome Hawkins!

The 2 days following our last appointment and last BPP, were spent cleaning the house, doing laundry, and packing a hospital bag for the 3 of us. Thursday came and I woke up doing my 'last' good morning snuggles with Harlow and couldn't help but feel sad for a moment, that her whole world was going to change and I wouldn't be giving her 100% of my attention, 100% of the time. I was also starting to feel so nervous and was praying it would be a successful induction and delivery. 

We loaded the car and began to make the trek down to Birmingham as we heard the first ball snap over the radio to kick off college football season. 

We got to the hospital at 530pm and checked ourselves into the 3rd floor like we had done 2 times before. I can honestly say, UAB women & infants center feels like my second home. 

Despite getting there at 530pm, we weren't setup in a labor and delivery room until around 730pm, in which case I was ready for Adam and Harlow to go get some dinner, and get this induction going. 

For about 15 min, I was contemplating having us go home and come back in the morning, because a nurse informed me I'd be under watchful monitoring for the night and they would start the induction in the morning. Now, I had strategically planned to get the induction started at night, so the long and boring beginning part could have been taking place while Harlow was sleeling. I figured we'd have about 12 hours under our belt by morning, almost guaranteeing he would be born at some point during the day on Friday, and when my sister in law Amy would be at the hospital to help with Harlow. 

After explaining this to my nurse and the doctor on call, they surprisingly were ready to go and called for the foley bulb to be inserted. I was also pleasantly surprised to know I was 1cm and 25% effaced all on my own :) I had been 100% closed and not ready when I was induced with both Lyla and Harlow. We officially got started at 840pm Thursday night! 

That night, was a bit of a challenge getting Harlow to sleep. I'm normally the one who 'puts' her to bed and am her comfort. So when I was in bed with wires and an iv, unable to be across the room putting her down, it was a sad day. Harlow cried and cried as Adam tried so hard to get her down himself. Finally, we ended up with a solution for our little sweet pea :)

After several ins and outs of doctors and nurses, this proved it was not going to work. Several attempts later, Adam was able to get her down and Harlow and daddy got some snuggle time! 

I wasn't checked again until 6am, in which the foley bulb came out and I was just 3cm, still 25% effaced and still a -3 station. I couldn't believe after 9.5 hours and already being 1cm and 25% to begin with, that I was still so slow to progress. Amy texted me and I let her know it wasn't a rush to get down there. 

The contractions slowly for worse over the next 2 hours and around 830am, I cried as I gave in to the epidural. I was really hoping to not get one this time around. With Harlow it didn't work, and was so painful I swore I would never be able to do it again. Yet here we were again, 16 months later ;) 

These contractions were way worse than either of my other inductions and I could not take it anymore. I didn't know how I would survive each contraction as they came. I called for the epidural and cried to Adam about it as i waited for them to come. For some reason, it took them about an hour to administer the epidural, but finally found some relief at 10am when they were finished. 

I was feeling intense pressure and as the anesthesia team was all still in my room cleaning up, the doctor came in and wanted to check me out of curiosity since I kept saying I was having intense pressure. She did and looked up and said, "you've got to be kidding me. You're complete and he's right there. Are you ready to push?" I couldn't believe it. And my doctor couldn't believe it either. Just 4 hours earlier I was a 3, 25% and -3 station and here we were ready to go! I guess it is true, the more kids you have, the faster the labors are! 

25 minutes were spent with the doctors and nurses getting ready, me calling Adam who had taken Harlow for a walk outside to tell him we were ready, him calling Amy asking if they were close to the hospital yet, and the nicu staff coming down to be ready for his arrival. 

Harlow had fallen asleep in her stroller, and Amy and my mother in law showed up just in time. Adam handed off the stroller to them and was back in my delivery room and ready to go. 

By the time I started to push, I looked around and here were 10 people in the room waiting on our little boys arrival. I was so excited to see what he looked it and just how small he was, and was also so nervous for how his health was going to be once he was out. In just 5 pushes, I was shocked as blood burst everywhere and startled everyone in the room as he made his arrival. It's so funny now, because everything was okay. But right when he made his arrival, the doctor was like, "what was that?!" Thankfully all was okay, and there weren't any complications. It did shock and scare me though. 

I watched as is little body was taken by the nicu staff to be examined in the corner. He looked so little and so sweet and te nicu staff couldn't stop smiling at him :)

Hawkins Soren Epperson came into the world August 30,2013 weighing 3lbs15oz and was 17.5 inches long. He started crying the minute he came out and after being examined, they brought him over to me and he stopped crying the minute I held him. I will never forget that :)

I was so sad when they had to take him away to the nicu. I made sure Adam went with them. As they were finishing up with me, Adam sent me this picture:

It only took about 2 hours before they wheeled me down to go and see him. He was doing well, but was needing to be in the incubator to help keep him warm. He was unable to maintain his body temperature and they gave him an iv with fluids to help him regulate his glucose levels. 

3 Days Until We Meet Our Boy!

I'm a little behind in updating about this pregnancy with Hawkins. I missed writing about last week's appointment, so I'll just put it all together here. 

Last Monday and Thursday, he failed the BPP's because of not practicing breathing again, and so we had to get on the monitor for the NST. He did great as usual :) I'm getting used to him doing the  same thing every time... He will do everything besides practice breathing, so we end up spending 20 minutes on the monitor, with Harlow hanging out on my belly with me, wanting to be in the know. By hanging out, I mean rolling around, standing up, sitting down, laying down, tapping my belly and playing with the monitors ;) Funny thing, is that her little brother always starts to move around a lot and he has his best heart accelerations while she's 'playing' with him. 

Harlow has gotten so used to these bi-weekly appointments and tests that she starts to help the techs and nurses by getting a tissue to wipe all the gel off of my belly :) 

Last week, Dr. Davis scheduled me for an induction for this week, because today I turned 37 weeks. Unfortunately he won't be the attending doctor in Labor & Delivery until later into September. Which I was so bummed about because I would have loved to have him deliver Hawkins. We got some measurements taken again, and he's still below the 5th%. His head and legs were measuring 3 weeks behind and his abdomen was measuring 7 weeks behind. 

Yesterday was our last appointment and BPP, which made me so sad. Adam got to come to this appointment, so it was really nice to be able to watch the entire ultrasound and BPP without getting drinks and snacks for Harlow. It made for a nice last appointment and last ultrasound. I can't believe the end is finally here and by the end of this week we're going to have another baby! After a month of panic and expecting him to have to be emergency delivered, I suddenly feel like I'm not ready for him to be here, even though I've been 'expecting' him for a month. 

We have to be at UAB at 5pm on Thursday to start the induction. So I'm expecting him to come sometime on Friday, 8/30/13! 

4th Weekly Appointment

Things have definitely made a turn around since last week! One week ago I came home feeling extremely worried and uneasy after watching Hawkins just lay there so still during the entire 30 minute BPP. The following day, Friday, I had felt him once the entire day. I was so close to making the trip to Birmingham to go to the MEU to check on him. Thankfully, he gave me some good movements before falling asleep that night. I kept an eye on his movements over the weekend and with each passing day, they became a little more frequent.

On Monday we went in for just a BPP, in which he passed within the first 10 minutes. That was pretty reassuring. 

I went into today's appointment anxious to talk to the doctor about a few things and also to see if we were going to take his measurements this time. 

The door to the exam room opened, and I prayed it wouldn't be a fellow or someone else who would breeze in and breeze out. I was relieved to see Dr. Davis come in! 

One of the reasons he's my favorite doctor is because he actually sits and takes the time to talk to you. I had briefly seen the nurse practitioner before he came in, and I had explained to her an episode I had last night. The side of my head suddenly hurt so bad and didn't go away for over an hour. During that time I couldn't read anything- I saw words but could not for the life of me put them together to understand what I was reading. My eyesight felt partially gone, and shortly later, the whole right side of my face, hand and arm, went completely numb and felt like it was swelling. Eventually that went away and I took some Tylenol before going to bed early. 

I told the nurse practitioner about this and how I think it was probably just a migraine of some sort but that at the time, it was kind of scary. She brushed it off, called it a migraine and 'completely normal'. When I told Dr. Davis, he agreed that's most likely what it was, but that he didn't like what I described and that if it happend again, I needed to come in right away.  

We also discussed that when I turn 37 weeks, we'll begin talking about delivering him. I'll be 37 weeks in a week and a half- not next appointment but the following one. So it seems like we could have a last week of August baby or a first week of September baby, depending on when we discuss this and how Hawke seems to be doing up until that point. 

We went to get the BPP done and everything looked great, but sadly Hawkins failed his test. He wouldn't do a practice breath... Again. So we were sent over to do the NST which he passed with great heart rhythms and accelerations. I feel like that scenario is the typical one that happens more times than not: everything looks good, but he fails because he won't do a practice breath... we do the NST, which he does great on, then we leave.

One joyous piece of news is that he is now HEAD DOWN!!!!!! If you can't tell my excitement from that, let me say it again: he has moved HEAD DOWN!!! :) I was getting so worked up over him being breech and the possibility of having a c section. That was so far from what I wanted and it was giving me so much anxiety anticipating that, along with everything else. I know it may not seem like a big deal, but this was super important to me and I am absolutely elated and on cloud 9 that I got to leave today's appointment knowing he was head down. Now... If I can just figure out how to ensure he stays that way ;)

Unfortunately we didn't get any measurements of him today, but we will be getting them next Thursday. I am so curious to see how he's grown because his movements feel so much more powerful now, it has me thinking he's grown a ton!! Or it may just be his new positioning and the fact that he is HEAD DOWN now :)

Not So Great Appointment

Earlier this week we had our first bi-weekly BPP done on Tuesday... Hawkins almost failed it because he was doing everything but practicing breathing. And then in the last minute of the test, he did a practice breath :) So he was able to pass. 

Today, we had a BPP as well as a normal visit with a doctor. 

The last few weeks, really since we first got the IUGR diagnosis, I had felt so conflicted and confused regarding the 'severity' of the situation. I felt like the first initial growth scan and diagnosis had me feeling like he'd be coming any day now, however in the appointments since then, everyone has seemed pretty calm and casual as they said 'see you next week' while I walked out the doors and back to my car. I felt like "which one is it... Is he coming right now or do I still have the rest of my pregnancy to go?" 

So on my way to this appointment I didn't think too much about going into my appointment. Hawkins' movement had decreased the past day and a half, so I was anxious to check on him, but wasn't too nervous. I had started getting used to the whole 'watch and wait' mentality it seemed everyone was following. 

I walked into my appointment and got the BPP test first. Now, these tests, have a time allotment of 30 minutes. If they exhibit all the things they're looking for within the first 5 minutes, the test is over and complete. However, if the baby isn't doing something, they have 30 minutes to do it and get a passing grade, otherwise it's marked as failed. 

In the past, Hawkins has either passed right away, or he has failed in the department of not practicing breathing. In which case, we've done an NST to monitor his heart rate and make sure there were some good accelerations. He has always passed those, and we've been in the clear. 

This appointment. Was different. The test began and I noticed how still Hawke was.  Because he was so still, the tech measured his amniotic fluid first, which came in low. We watched and waited while I entertained Harlow and gave her some snacks. I let the tech know that his movement had decreased. She said, "yeah... I haven't seen him move at all yet." She tried to jiggle and push around on my belly to get him to respond. He didn't. She tried this, time and time again, as the 30 minutes wore on. Each time he just layed there- not moving and unresponsive. He also still hadn't taken a practice breath either. After about 20 minutes, she looked worried and said, "he better move soon because he hasn't done a single thing yet. I don't want to have to walk out there and tell them he scored a 2... They'd want to deliver him right now. He's very small and I would hate for him to have to be delivered now." I looked at the screen as the minutes wore on and saw his tiny little body and long legs, laying there in a folded frank breech position, just like his sister Lyla. It also didn't help that he wasn't moving at all but you saw his little heart, strong, beating away. Lyla was always just like that- folded in a frank breech position, strong beating heart, but perfectly still and unmoving. 

I definitely was not expecting this at the appointment today. We continued to watch and wait. We were down to the last 3-4 minutes of the test and she tried to push around on my belly again with the wand to get him to respond. This time, he moved his torso a little bit, as well as his leg. Apparently, that small movement is enough to mark 'pass'. Now... In my book, there's a huge difference between an active baby whose wiggling all around, and one who is unresponsive for 25 minutes, then moves slightly after being jarred around for the 8th time. At the same time he moved, he took a practice breath. 

I walked down the hall and into the exam room while I waited for the doctor. Once again, a new doctor came in, and said, "well, baby seems to look great, he got an 8 on his BPP". After those last 30 minutes, I would hardly say he 'looked great'. So I began to explain to her exactly how that test happened to go. What's difficult is that she sees a passing grade on a piece of paper... And doesn't know exactly how the ultrasound went or how that passing grade came to be. So I tried my best to explain to her what had happened and how that worried me and asked if it was cause for concern. Especially since Hawke had never acted like that before. Every time he has been super responsive (we got a 'kudos for Hawke' at his first BPP for being so responsive). This was extremely uncharacteristic of him and made me worry. 

I guess to ease my mind, she hooked me up for an NST anyway, which of course showed his heart beating away fine. That didn't surprise me, he seemed great in the heart department. Given the 'passing score' of the BPP and the NST checking out fine, I was sent home from my appointment and told 'see you on Monday'. 

Sometimes it's hard fighting for your mommy instincts and getting doctors to 'take a second look' or question something. For now, I'm home and keeping a close eye on him and his movements. 

Hawkins' 2nd Weekly Appointment

Today was our 2nd weekly appointment since getting Hawkins' IUGR diagnosis. Last appointment we didn't get any measurements and I was all over the place with my emotions for some reason. Emotionally, this appointment went 10x better than the last. I saw my regular doctor thank goodness, and she always puts all my fears at ease. 

The ultrasound today was to get some more measurements, check the blood flow through the umbilical cord, check on his movement and do the biophysical profile. His head and legs are measuring 2 weeks behind (previously they were measuring just 1 week behind). And his abdomen is measuring 4 weeks behind (previously that was measuring 5 weeks behind). His weight estimate is 3lb7oz, and he went from being in the 6% to the <5%. So it's a little confusing- he has grown since 2 weeks prior (yay!), but also dropped below the 5th percentile. 

His movement was great on the ultrasound, but he failed his BPP test and wasn't practicing his breathing. We waited for 30 minutes for him to take a breath but he never did. Because of that, we got a non-stress test, which turned out great and he had some good heart accelerations. So all in all, it was a good appointment. We got no new news, he has grown since 2 weeks ago, and still seems pretty happy in there. 

However, because of his stats and dropping below the 5th percentile, my doctor has now ordered me to get BPP's twice a week. So I will be going every Tuesday and Thursday for an ultrasound/BPP. I believe they won't take measurements again for possibly 3 weeks. Which puts me at 36 weeks! 

I have felt a little out of the loop or confused about everything. It seemed like 2 weeks ago, things were moving fast- we got the IUGR diagnosis, he failed his BPP, I got 2 steroid shots for his lungs and was under the impression I would be delivering him within the next couple weeks. I had a week of frantically trying to prepare the house and gather some of the essentials we may need right away. I did so much research and was mentally preparing myself to have my sweet boy so soon. Much of this contributed to my emotional panic attack on the way to and during my last appointment. I was also under the impression that even if he stayed behind around the same amount, I would probably deliver him early so he could grow and thrive outside the womb. After all, I thought that's why they gave me the steroid shots. However, ever since then I feel like we've been on cruise control. 

So I brought it up to my favorite nurse during the NST we did today. I asked her why it seemed like this hurried frenzy 2 weeks ago, and now it seemed like we were coasting. She said that it would be like this all the way until the end of my pregnancy. She said ultimately, the best place for him to be, is still inside, even if his growth is restricted and slow. If he continues to grow, even a little bit, we will continue the pregnancy, regardless of him being in the <5th%. The remainder of the pregnancy will be watchful waiting. He will be monitored really well, with 2 BPP's a week. As long as he's passing those, has a decent amount of amniotic fluid and generally seems happy, we will just go with the flow until the due date nears. 

We will deliver early: if something dramatic happens with his growth that is cause for alarm, the flow through the cord decreases or flows back out (which can be dangerous), or if he continues to fail his BPP's and shows signs of distress. 

So prayers for us that Hawke will continue to grow (even if its just a little bit and he remains behind), and that he continues to feel happy and comfy while passing his BPP's! 

1st Weekly Appointment

Today was our first weekly appointment since finding out about baby Hawke's lack of growth last week. All week long I had been worried about the possibilities of what could potentially happen, and was letting my mind run wild- which is never a good thing. Surprisingly the week  went by fast and it was Thursday again and I was ready to check on our boy. 

I went into this appointment with an idea of what to expect: weekly appointments including new measurements, BPP's and NST's. And at the slightest indication that he wasn't growing, I would be whisked off to deliver him. I had this crazy idea in my mind of us not having time to go back home to get anything, being admitted right away, Hawkins being born before I could fully understand what was even happening, and a whole emergency scene you'd see in a movie. For a week that's exactly what was in my head. 

As a result of that... I was majorly nesting. I organized and cleaned out the most random of things. The laundry room being one of them. As well as our closet with clothes to donate, Harlow's closet to mark, store in bins and organize, as well as gather keepsakes, that over the course of her first year, had accumulated in many different spots in her room. 

Because Hawkins' room hasn't been started yet, I went ahead and organized all of his things in Harlow's closet as well, that way things are washed, folded and organized in a proper spot if he should happen to come anyday now. 

Needless to say, for one week, my mind and body was thinking Hawkins would have an awful appointment today and I would be in the hospital delivering him as we speak. 

Because of that, it's no surprise on the car ride down to UAB this afternoon, I was incredibly nauseous. Which turned into sweaty palms, and me turning up the a/c. Which then lead to my heart beating fast and eventual tears which seemed to flood up out of nowhere. What in the world was happening to me? Why was I in the middle of a panic attack while driving to a normal appointment in which case I would see my baby and see how he was doing? 

When I'm in a moment like that, scene after scene pops into my head like different versions of a horrible movie. In one scene, I'm alone in the ultrasound room with Harlow and they see he has fallen below the 5th percentile and they have me call Adam to come down there because they need to deliver him via c-section immediately. The next scene is us standing in the nicu, unable to hold our little boy while he fights to hang on to life. The next scene is Hawkins not making it and I'm looking at Adam saying how are we suppose to get through this again? 

I had to stop myself there because I was going too far. Why was I driving to my appointment, and these are the things that pop into my head? 

Sometimes, I feel like I have it all together, and even when I don't, I can pretend really well. And others... It's an embarrassingly emotional meltdown robed in a frantic panic. 

This didn't stop in the car... Even when Adam took a break from work to talk me off the ledge of my breakdown while driving down to my appointment. This carried on into the doctors office. 

I go through the motions of check in- the usual pee in a cup, blood pressure and weight check. The numbers catch my eye... Was I reading this correctly?? It was saying I lost 4 pounds since my visit 1 week earlier. 

Now, as I've posted before, I kept seeing the same range of numbers throughout my entire pregnancy. It wasn't until last appointment I finally convinced someone to take me seriously and look at my chart to tell me how my weight gain was. In which case it revealed my weight was exactly the same as my first prenatal visit. Only I was 31 weeks. Sure enough, Hawkins was having a growth issue, which we wouldn't have caught (at least this early) if I hadn't pushed for someone to look into my lack of weight gain. Now, here I am a week later and I'm weighing 4 pounds less than last week?!? 

Cue: anxiety. 

If Hawke is already measuring 5 weeks behind and here I am losing 4 whole pounds, what could this be meaning for him?! I couldn't wait to see the doctor and ask, and more importantly, get an ultrasound and measure my little guy! 

The doctor walks in. And it's someone I've never met before. A younger, middle eastern woman who introduces herself and says she's a fellow. 

Okay. There it is. A fellow. I'm all for medical students learning and doing their fellowship and getting hands on experience. But when I've just been told 1 week earlier, that my baby has IUGR, I've gotten 2 rounds of steroids, don't know exactly what to expect, and had a nervous breakdown in the car, I'm not really looking for a fellow to walk in and act like they know everything they're talking about. 

It also didn't sit well with me when she was giving me the standard treatment:

"Any fluid leaking? Any cramping or contractions?"

I tell her no and her response is, "okay great, so everything's going good."

Uhh... Have you even read my chart? I had a panic attack on the dang car ride over here, I've already cried once today, and you're going to give me the standard treatment like everything is going 'normally' in my pregnancy? 

I decide to look past it, and ask about my weight being 4 pounds less... Which wasn't a good idea, considering it showed me even more how she had no clue what she was talking about. She really tried to give me the 'every pregnancy is different... You'll probably gain it all here in these last weeks' line. She expanded and went even further into her 'figuring out' my lack of weight gain.

"What was your pre pregnancy weight?"

Well, I guess exactly what I weighed at last appointment... Harlow was 8 months old when we conceived, I hadn't lost all my baby weight and I don't pay attention to the scale. So my pre pregnancy weight was what was recorded at my first prenatal appointment... Which was exactly what I weighed last week, giving me a 0 weight gain. 

"Okay... Well... What was your weight... With her?" And she points to Harlow.

Well, I got pregnant with her 6 weeks after I had my daughter Lyla... So I'm not sure what that 'pre pregnancy weight' would be. 

"Oh, the one with the issues?" 

Alright. This chick has officially lost me. Really... Referring to my daughter who passed away as the one with the issues? Right then I stopped her quest of heroically figuring out the mystery to my lack of weight gain and shut down the entire conversation. She was about ready to walk out the door as she said, 'okay we'll see you in a week', when feeling mad, emotional, and confised I stopped her.

I felt pressed for time and like I needed to hurry and think of all the things I wanted to ask because my appointment was about to be over. I asked if during the BPP test/ultrasound, if they would be measuring him. I've been worried and wanted to know if he's grown any, especially after seeing that I lost 4 pounds. That's when she told me no, they wouldn't measure again for 3 weeks. 

Feeling fragile and frustrated with this 'fellow' already, I was on the verge of tears and asked if Dr. Davis was there and that I'd like to speak with him and sent her out of the room. 

I started sobbing the minute the door closed behind her. 

Dr. Davis came in and felt so bad. He explained to me that with the error of ultrasound, that comparing measurements between last appointment and this appointment, just 1 week's time,  it would be impossible to accurately measure and draw any conclusions from it. They want to wait another week, and will measure him again at the appointment next Thursday and compare them from there to see if he's had any progress or not. In the meantime, the major thing is doing the BPP's to make sure he is happy and feeling good and not experiencing any distress. Obviously it sound better when Dr. Davis explains it.

Words can't begin to describe how much I love this doctor. He is so genuine and sincere. The look on his face when he talks about Hawke, is the same look that he had talking about Lyla, when we were scared and first sent to UAB to figure out what was wrong with her. I feel okay and safe when he's keeping an eye on things. I didn't see him much during Harlow's pregnancy- thankfully because his expertise wasn't needed. So it's been both difficult and comforting, to be seeing him again regarding Hawkins.

Some of the similarities feel strange to me. Sort of a déjà vu, but also very different. Between Lyla's small abdomen and Hawke's small abdomen. Delivering her at 32 weeks and being 32 weeks with him now. Her positioning in my belly and his- I delivered her bottom first, and he's in that exact position now. It's both comforting- thinking about her and being taken back to that time with her- as well as painfully difficult. I'd like to think some of that is all contributing to this anxiety I have regarding Hawkins and his health. I know what can happen. And I've heard a lot of these things and have had a lot of these questions before. Walking such a similar, yet so different path, can be emotionally hard. 

We ended the appointment with the BPP test/ultrasound... Which went great! The techs have to wait and watch the baby to do all of their 'tricks' for the test and it can sometimes last up to 30 min just waiting for them to do everything. Hawkins did them all within like 3 minutes! Our boy is little, but a fighter nontheless. Just like all of our babies :) 

For the next week, we just sit and wait. 

Little Hawke

Mothers intuition is always right. I'm finding this concept to be more and more true as I become a mother time and time again. When I was pregnant with Lyla, I had a feeling something was off or wrong but never shared it with anyone. So when we went for her anatomy scan at 20 weeks and found out her abdomen was measuring ridiculously small and they didn't know what to make of it, I wasn't shocked. My worst nightmare had come true. I knew something was wrong, and there it was. Heartbreaking still, despite having had a feeling. 

My pregnancy with Harlow was as perfect as it could be and was a pretty boring and uneventful pregnancy- which I welcomed with open arms. Although I had some anxiety throughout my pregnancy, purely fear based, I knew at the end of the day, everything was going to be okay and she was going to get here healthy and safe. Heck, I knew she was a girl and her name would be Harlow after my first ultrasound at 6 weeks with her :)!

Getting pregnant with our 3rd, made me more anxious than before and I had no idea why. Why would I be anxious, when we've already had a successful and healthy pregnancy following the passing of our first born? Shouldn't that have given me the confidence I needed to know that not every baby I had was going to die? Wasn't she our 'rainbow', giving us hope for the future? 

I couldn't tell in the beginning, if my anxiety and fear that something was 'off' or 'wrong' was really just guilt manifesting. I was so busy and preoccupied with my sweet, high needs 8 month old, that I really hadn't had the time to dedicate my full attention to him. And yes, once again, I knew it was a him :). I felt like something was going to be wrong this time. I couldn't have 2 healthy living babies in a row could I? That would be too good to be true. Despite trying to take the time to focus just on him, I pushed my feelings to the side and kept on being a mom to Harlow. 

While I was pregnant with her, I knew she was going to be okay, so I declined any and all testing and decided to just watch her via ultrasound and depend on that to tell me if something would be cause for alarm. This 3rd time around, I opted for all the testing without a second thought. The 1st trimester screening, the 2 blood tests, the NT scan, you name it, I did it. I wanted to know. 

When discussing my feelings with Adam regarding why I suddenly wanted all the testing, I told him I didn't know if it was just guilt for not giving him too much thought or this nagging feeling I had that something was wrong. But I really wanted to do it. After all, the worst that could happen would be that we would know sooner if something was amiss. We had to wait all the way until 20 weeks to discover our little Lyla was sick. At least with this testing we'd have an idea if anything was remotely wrong and we could begin focusing on him and our time with him- just as we were blessed to do with Lyla. Adam said okay, whatever would make me feel better, and he was okay with us doing the testing this time around. 

Every appointment, ultrasound, and test result that came back was normal. Although I was thrilled and so happy to know for sure that he was healthy, I couldn't help but beat myself up over the fact that I really thought something was wrong. I had officially lost it and my anxiety that had creeped its way into my life with Harlow's arrival- my constant need to make sure she's safe- had started to take over my life and now the life of this precious boy that was completely healthy. I really needed to get a handle on things. 

Flash forward to yesterday morning. It's a regular checkup that I had been looking forward to after being in California for nearly 3 weeks seeing all my family and friends. I had already been put on appointments every two weeks and it had been 3 weeks since my previous one. I was ready to see my boy! Which we have officially named: Hawkins Soren Epperson. 

I had been having some gnarly cramping and pains off and on for about a month and although I had asked before  about them, I got the usual response of it being typical during pregnancy. Along with asking those questions, I asked my doctor about my weight gain. I was now 31 weeks and 2 days and I felt like I kept seeing the same range of numbers on the scale at every appointment. I'm not one to weigh myself. Ever. It's just not something I pay attention to. I try my best to eat healthy and judge any 'weight gain' by how my clothes fit. I choose to not watch numbers on the scale. During pregnancy however, it's imperative. I had no idea what my starting weight was exactly or if I had gained anything, but I felt like I kept seeing the same thing at every appointment. I had asked about my weight gain at a previous appointment but we had moved onto talking about something else before she could go into the computer and look at my log of weight checks. So I never got that question answered. 

Here we are, about a month later and I decide to ask her again. She tells me she believes it's fine (my fundus height is measuring normal), and that I will probably start gaining weight now that I'm in my 3rd trimester. She informs me I'll most likely get an ultrasound at the next appointment or the one following that- one month from now. Before she leaves, I ask one more time for her to please check the numbers for me because I'd really like to know. I know I'm probably bugging her about my weight but I'm honestly worried and concerned and have been feeling like something is wrong. She goes ahead and leaves the room to check for me so she can ease my mind. 

When she comes back, she lowers her head and says, "well.... Your weight has fluctuated a little bit, but you weigh exactly as much as you did when you first came in for your first prenatal visit... I'm going to order an ultrasound so we can check on his growth." There it was. I knew it. I knew something was wrong and it was about to be confirmed. Why was I having to be the one to monitor my weight gain, I'm not sure, but I knew I needed to be persistent until someone looked into it. I had gained 0 pounds this pregnancy and I was 31 weeks and 2 days. 

Worried, but relieved I was getting his measurements checked, I walked to the ultrasound room. While she was doing the ultrasound, the tech wasn't telling me anything, but I could watch on the bottom corner of the screen how much each thing was measuring, so it was nice that I could track for myself what I was seeing. The first thing she measured was his leg (femur) and it was measuring about 1 week behind. Okay, not bad at all and totally common. She moves to his head and that is measuring 1 week behind as well. Again, not too bad and pretty common. I began to think again about how this anxiety is starting to get the best of me and I need to just relax and trust that he is okay. She moved the wand around and found his abdominal cavity.... Which was measuring 5 weeks behind. Did I see that correctly? Over a month behind? I knew it. I knew something was not going to be measuring on track. She kept her eye on his abdomen for awhile and explained that she was trying to see signs of practice breaths and his diaphragm moving- which he was not able to do. 

She put the calculations into the computer and I waited with the gel still on my belly while feeding Harlow some graham crackers in her stroller. She left the room and when the door opened again it was dr Davis. He sat down and said , "well, this little guy is measuring small. His head circumference and femur seem to be behind, but nothing too alarming. However his abdomen is extremely small, being 5 weeks behind. That is cause for concern." He paused a bit. And then continued, "I don't know why he is growing like this... But it seems to me like a case of IUGR and most likely an insufficient placenta that isn't delivering all the nutrients like it should  be." 

There I was, flashing back to this same moment just 2.5 years before. We were sent to UAB for the target ultrasound where dr Davis, the head MFM doctor at UAB sat down with us to discuss her abnormally small abdomen. He talked about IUGR with us regarding her condition as well, because her abdomen was measuring significantly smaller than the rest of her body... Just like I was now hearing about Hawkins. I started to feel a little sick, and couldn't believe I was having this same conversation. 

He doesn't have a chromosomal condition or any other markers... His heartbeat and heart in general are great, he passed all testing in the beginning and the rest if his body is small, but growing together. It's just his abdomen that is measuring extremely small.

Before Lyla's amnio confirmed triploidy, I researched a lot about IUGR and hoped and prayed that that's what it would turn out to be. So I had an idea of what was going on and what we were dealing with, and it most certainly wasn't an issue of being incompatible with life, like Lyla's diagnosis. 

Because he showed no signs of breathing or trying to take practice breaths, they hooked me up to monitors to do a NST and check on a few other things. After 20 minutes of being very creative with entertaining a 15 month old with monitors attached to me, it was over and I waited in the waiting room to call Adam. 

There, dr Davis caught up with me and we went over the diagnosis and what this means so far right now. 

Hawkins is diagnosed with IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction). This diagnosis comes from his measurements and his very small sized abdomen, which is typical of babies with IUGR. During the ultrasound, a BPP (biophysical profile) was also performed and tested him in many areas, like breathing, amniotic fluid levels, tone and responsiveness. He was very responsive for being 31 weeks and reacted well to stimuli, so that's a good sign. However he was not breathing and amniotic fluid was low. 

I asked dr Davis what the plan was, now that we know he is an IUGR baby and is extremely small...Measuring just 2pounds and 10ounces. He said the plan is to wait and watch him. I will now have an appointment every week, with an ultrasound everytime for measurements and BPP tests. If he doesn't pass the BPP's they will also add in some NST's as well. If he continues to grow, they will keep him in the womb, as it is still the safest place for him. However, if he stops growing all together, or falls even more behind, they will want to deliver him as soon as possible, as he will fair better outside the womb at that point. Right now, he is in the 6th percentile. If he falls behind even just a little bit, it will put him at the 5th percentile or lower, which would cause them to want to deliver him. Because of the possibility of him coming soon/early, they gave me a steroid shot to help develop his lungs so he can try to make some breathing motions. 

We went back this morning for the follow up BPP and he passed! That steroid shot seemed to work :) I got an additional steroid shot before we left the hospital this morning as well. 

It looks like our Little Hawke is already a fighter and may be making his appearance early, and will be very small. IUGR babies tend to stay smaller than their peers for quite some time, but eventually they do end up catching up! 

So here we have a waiting game and lots of hoping, praying and monitoring to see what he does. We are praying he continues to grow and will stay inside as long as possible to give him the best chance outside the womb. However the doctors are trying to prepare him for delivery if they have to.