In the beginning, I had no clue what cry meant what and when she cried, I had no idea what to do to make her feel better. There were times I wondered if I was cut out to be a mom and when things got difficult, I felt lost in my identity because all I ever wanted was to be a mom. So here I was... with exactly what I've been wanting for years... and it wasn't quite the perfect picture I imagined. I felt guilty to even admit that to myself.
Looking back, I think I experienced a little bit of the baby blues for the 1st month. Not only was I extremely hormonal following Harlow's birth, but I also think a lot of emotions I experienced had to do with losing Lyla. For us baby loss moms, having a rainbow baby can not only be so joyful and exciting, but it can also be extremely emotional and can sometimes feel like we're carrying the weight of our loss on our shoulders.
We feel like we need to be the perfect mom all the time, to make up for not being able to be a mommy to the baby we lost. We feel like we need to be extra grateful for our little blessing and not ever get overwhelmed or frustrated. After all, this baby is alive and well. We're lucky we didn't lose this one like the last one.
I held on to a lot of those feelings and coupled with being a first time mom to a baby here on earth, it got to be too much to handle that first month.
3 things turned these feelings around and gave me a wonderful 2nd and 3rd month: Prayer, the book Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, and the book Happiest Baby on the Block.. Everyone has different parenting philosphies, parenting styles, disciplining techniques... and most of this you discover as you go. I admit I was one of those people before I had kids, that always said how I would parent, what I would and wouldn't do and thought I was going to be the best parent ever. I now know, exactly what it means to be a parent, and how hard it is to stick to how you thought you'd be, when you're in the moment and nothing seems to work for your baby. For example, I always said my baby wouldn't be attached to a pacifier... It's one of Harlow's best friends. And guess what, I'm okay with that! I will cross the 'say bye bye to paci' bridge, when we get there. For now, it comforts her, and I want nothing more than Harlow to feel happy and comfy cozy with the things she loves most.
For the most part, anyone who adopts a parenting philosophy to go by is typically somewhere on the scale of Baby Wise versus Attachment Parenting. For myself, I have identified with and adopted the attachment parenting style and love it :)
