Eating Organic

So the latest in our household has been becoming more green and organic. I will admit I have suddenly adopted a fear thag im going to get cancer. Watching my dad die was somewhat traumatizing,and  i feel like its my life goal to do everything I can to avoid ever getting cancer. 

But nothing has inspired me to live a more healthy life than my child. It's like suddenly, when we started introducing foods to Harlow at 7 months, I refused to give her anything not organic or healthy. It freaked me out at the thought of putting anything bad into her little body. 

It caused me to take a look at my own lifestyle and eating habits and it's like suddenly it hit me, I needed to do better! I was diagnosed with GERD (really bad reflux because of a broken sphincter), and I honestly had never really taken care of it. Harlow was diagnosed with the same thing and I've watched myself monitor everything she eats, but I didn't think twice about myself. 

Growing up, I really had a horrible diet. As a kid, frozen TV dinners, frozen pizzas, lunchables, bologna sandwhiches, fish sticks and hot dogs were the norm. I just recently realized this and realize that this is why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I have tried on a few occasions to 

'eat healthier' but it only lasted so long because I would get lost on really what was healthy food? I had no clue. 

I have learned so much since Harlow was born and now I can proudly say I am an organic eating advocate. I never understood why certain things were 'bad'. I just knew 'that's not good'... But because I didn't know WHY, it rarely kept me from eating whatever it was. Or I would have the mentality that I can indulge just this once and I'll eat better the rest of the day... Like it didnt matter. The truth is, all of the 'just this once's, add up, and are blocks piling up in our body. Now, I finally understand the WHY. And that has contributed tremendously to my whole new philosophy and lifestyle when it comes to eating. 

It is so important to eat organic and avoid pesticides at all costs! An organic apple a day will keep the doctor away, but a conventionally grown one won't. Pesticides are poisons... And we're putting them in our body each time we eat a conventionally grown fruit or vegetable. Sure we don't feel sick after eating one... But these things build up in our system over time, and wreck havoc later in the form of poor health, diseases and cancers. I feel sick at the thought of eating conventionally grown produce from the supermarket. Why are these foods being fed to society? There's no doubt that people go to the store and eat their fruits and veggies thinking they're being healthy, when really they would be better off not eating the poison at all!

Conventional milk contains a ridiculous amount of hormones and antibiotics which alters our entire system. Anything those cows are fed or administered, is being directly administered to us. The same goes with meat! Eat organic, grass fed meat that is free of hormones and antibiotics. Along with organic, cage free eggs. 

Look at the ingredients on items instead of the nutrition facts. We all know the things that have an ingredients list as long as the package... Thats the easiest way to put an item back without even reading them... the fewer ingredients, the better! 

Cancer feeds off of sugar and it comes in many forms such as: sugar, high fructose corn syrup, aspartame (which is a neurotoxin that causes brain tumors) to name a few. It's in the ingredients of nearly every processed food item. It's best to eat foods that contain sugar naturally... Like organic fruit.

GMO's are especially scary- genetically modified foods, where genes are taken from one species and put into an entirely different plant or animal, changing its DNA. How unatural is that? It's like one big science experiment that's being doled out to the public. If fish genes were meant to be in tomatoes, it would be that way! Every lab test done on animals, has shown "organ failure, infertility, accelerated aging, immune dysregulation, faulty insulin regulation, and changes in the liver, kidney, spleen, and Gi systems." I most certainly don't want all those changes happening in my body! It's a slow and silent killer. 80% of all corn and soy products in the United States ARE modified. If you look at the ingredients of almost all processed foods, it contains some form of corn or soy... Which means many of us are eating these things at some point on a daily basis. That is scary! 

Being a mom and wife has made me realize how important it is to treat our bodies kindly. This is our vessel for our entire life here on earth, and I want to be around for my kids for a very long time. What we put in our bodies now, reflect in our health later. Eat food that nourishes and sustains your body, instead of poisoning it! 

Cells Living On

I came across this article and was so touched by how deeply connected mothers are to their babies. Scientific evidence shows that cells from other people (our children) are found all throughout out body, embedded in our tissues along with our own cells, primarily in the brain.

As a mother, it is so touching to think about how we continue to carry the cells of our children. However it is even more beautiful and meaningful to me to think thy I am still carrying pieces of Lyla with me. Her cells are still alive and living in my body. That brings me such comfort. 

What is even more mind blowing, is this particular sentence: "...there is also the possibility that cells from an older sibling residing in the mother may find their way back across the placenta to a younger sibling during the latter's gestation." The idea that not only I carry Lyla with me, but that her cells are still living on in Harlow, is so precious to me and brings me to tears. What a special gift! 

Words From My Dad

This past week, I decided to finally go through all the cards I had stacked in boxes. I love cards. For any holiday, nothing beats a good card from a loved one who wrote some sweet words to you. Typically, I save any card that's written in, but usually throw away the cards where someone just signs their name. What makes the card's words ring  true are, are the personal words from the sender. 

I was running out of room and decided to do a little card cleanup! While I was going through the cards, I came across a few from my parents from birthday's past. I feel like what's typical, is that the wife fills out the card 'for' the husband. Or the wife fills out the card, and signs all the family's names. What I love about my birthday cards, is that my mom would always write a personal message, AND my dad would as well. These are the things I cherish, especially now that my dad is gone. 

There I was, sitting on the kitchen floor with cards all around (Harlow finding the ones with animals on them and holding tight), and I couldn't help but shed some tears. I know how my dad felt about me... He told me ALL the time. 

He was never one to shy away from his emotions of love relating to his daughters. It seemed like anything we did made him proud and he would show us off to all of his friends. (Yes this included the man behind the counter at the deli, and people at the local garden store). It seemed like whenever me or my sister would come into town to visit, we would meet one of our dads new 'friends' and they would have already heard all about us...(yes this includes the waiter at the newest restauraunt in town). Even now, as my dad has been gone over a year, his name is still talked about. He was unforgettable and still is! 

I re-read his words to me and it makes me so frustrated and sad that he had to die. It just doesn't feel like it was his time. He truely loved life and soaked in every memory and moment. There are still so many moments he would be so proud to experience and be apart of. 

My mom called the other day and told me that when she was going through my dads things, she came across 2 identical cards in his stuff. Both were cards for a daughter but weren't written in. My dad had obviously seen these cards and thought of his girls, so he bought one for me and one for my sister, but never had the chance to fill them out. My mom mailed me mine and I received it just the other day. I had butterfly's in my stomach and it took me a couple hours before I decided to go outside and read it. It said this:

"Having you for a daughter, has brought me more joyful times and proud moments, than you'll ever know...

I've been dreaming about your future since the day you were born, hoping that life, would always bring you all the happiness you deserve.

And even though I worry about you at times, I have confidence in you. 

I know you can handle whatever challenges come your way. 

Just remember you can always turn to me for help and encouragement...

Other things may change, but my love for you is for always. "

I can't even begin to count how many times, I have had a bad day, or felt stressed out or hopeless, and have wanted to call my dad. He really was my biggest cheerleader and whenever I got off the phone with him, I would immediately feel all better. By the end of the conversation and pep talk, I would usually also be sent to 'get a mani pedi and an ice cream cone immediately.' :)

I wish he was here now to continue to guide me and help me. Sometimes I feel so lost without him :( He was truely one of a kind and a man to be cherished.

Mother's Day

On this Mother's Day I feel so blessed to have the kind of husband who sends flowers and leaves a card from him and both of our girls, even when he's away in Texas for work! 

Sometimes motherhood is trying and difficult and flat out exhausting. However, it's more than worth it! Moments happen that offer encouragement and hope during hard times. One of those was this morning when I read my beautiful cards from Adam and the girls- pure acknowledgment, appreciation and encouragement. 

It makes me thankful to be a mom and to be the kind of mom I aspire to be. One who is gentle and slow to raise her voice. One who believes discipline is about teaching, guiding and problem solving, rather than punishment or rewards. One who doesnt withhold love when they've made a mistake. One that sits with them through tantrums, knowing the flood of emotions can be a difficult thing to understand; always being a constant presence of love and understanding during a scary time. One who is patient and continually giving unconditional love. 

I'm able to exercise motherhood and 'parenting' with Harlow and hopefully this baby boy who is on the way. However, the one who first taught me how to be a MOM, is Lyla. She taught me what the love of a mother was like and what it meant to be a mom. I carried her sick body, keeping her safe until it was her time to go. I cried many tears and prayed many prayers, waiting for a miracle. I held her, I loved her, I knew her. All she heard of this earth was the sound of my voice and my heart beating. All she felt of this earth was love. Thank you Lyla, for making me a mom! 

Fear of Losing

I came across an article today that made me take a long, hard look at myself, and made me admit to having unresolved issues with loss. I hate to admit it, but I have an intense fear of losing another one of my children; not just in utero, but after they're born alive and well. 

I remember back to being in the hospital after Harlow was born, and feeling so tired and overwhelmed...  not really knowing 'what to do' with my new baby in front of me. It became nighttime and I promised Adam it was okay for him to lay down and get some rest on the couch next to me. Harlow slept peacefully in the bassinet beside my hospital bed and I kept watching her to make sure she was breathing. I started to lay down and close my heavy eyes but every few minutes I would sit up to look at Harlow. Any sound she made I got up to watch her, to make sure she was safe and okay. When she began to cry, I picked her up and began 'nursing' her and tried my best to understand a good latch. Adam offered multiple times to hold her while I got some rest but I refused. I wanted to do it. I was her mother, and I had this strong feeling of needing to show her I was her mom and I was always going to take care of her.

I refused several offers and suggestions from the nurses to let them take her to the nursery so I could rest. I didn't want to let her out of my sight for a second. I didn't trust that my baby would be taken care of or attended to if she started to cry. So there I sat, with burning, tired eyes, holding and watching my baby. My rainbow. 

The following day I took a shower and tried my best to hurry, despite being in a lot of pain from labor, for fear that something would happen to her while I was gone. I feared that she would need me and wonder where I was during the 15 minutes it took me to shower. 

That night, around 3 am, the nurse offered again to take her to the nursery so I could sleep. Knowing my hesitation she said she would take her for 2 hours and bring her right back for me to nurse her. I reluctantly agreed. Being as tired as I was after being up for 3 days straight, I fell right to sleep. When I woke up... It was 4 hours later and Harlow was nowhere to be found. I panicked and called the nurses button. When they answered, I rushed out the words how my baby was suppose to be with me and she's not and I need her immediately. Finally, Harlow was brought into the room. Apparently the nurse said she checked on me and saw how peacefully I was sleeping, and that Harlow had been sleeping in a swing in the nursery as well, so she didnt feel the need to wake her or myself. I get where she was coming from.... But this added to my already fragile emotional fear of losing her. I never let them take her again. 

A photographer came to our room to snap some newborn pictures of her. She wasnt too fond of the idea and spent a lot of time crying and just wanting to be held. I suddenly had a flush of dizziness and started to feel hot. I tried to get out the words to tell Adam how I was feeling but struggled. He knew something was wrong though and hurried the session along. I was short of breath and felt panicked. I wanted the photographer out of the room immediately. I feel so bad now, but I got extremely rude with them because all I wanted was for them to leave, and me to comfort my baby.

Before leaving the hospital and being discharged, I had one more meltdown. We were on our way out and Adam had pulled the car around. It was hot outside and so we brought her carseat into the lobby to strap her in. I put her in and couldn't figure out how to tighten the straps right away and just began sobbing hysterically. I wondered why no doctor was with us, assuring Harlows safety in her carseat for the ride home. What kind of hospital was this?! (A renowned teaching hospital). How come no one was making sure she even had a carseat? Somebody who knows carseat safety should be here right now, I sobbed. Adam... Sweet Adam... Stepped in and strapped her in nice and safe and gave me a hug. After seeing all was okay in the world and Harlow was happily in her carseat, I walked to the car and sat in the backseat next to her the whole way home. 

The first night home, I layed in bed and sobbed. I have no idea why or where it came from. But I had a meltdown.  Poor Adam was trying to hear my indecipherable rant and came in to understand what I was saying... Leaving Harlow on the changing table. I freaked out even more and ordered him to go back in there. Now... She was a newborn... She wasnt going to roll off... Everything was okay... But in that moment, it made me feel like something could have happened to her... And it's because I wasn't there. 

The first 3 months are a complete blur to me, although I know there were many more tears, meltdowns, and panic attacks. I started feeling like I needed to prove myself worthy of being a mother. I needed to do everything myself, with no help, so Harlow would know she was safe and I wasn't going to let anything happen to her. Now... That can be exhausting and was a compeltely unrealistic expectation, that I am sadly just NOW, starting to see. I felt and still feel, this desperate attempt to do everything exactly right and do everything myself. I don't trust that anyone else would care for her the way I do. 

Fast forward to now... Harlow is 13 months old and I hold her for her naps. Yes, each nap, twice a day. She falls asleep fast and peacefully and sleeps 2 hours. She does this because she knows I'm here and she knows she's safe. I do this, so she can feel comfortable and safe. We also bed share, and I subconsciously monitor her breathing and can offer comfort her if she needs it. Harlow, is always with me. And I am always with Harlow. 

I left Harlow with Adam for the first time ever just 1 week ago. So I could run to the store for 3 things. I mulled over the decision to go by the store without her. I have never understood how mothers can put their babies in daycare. Or how couples start to go on regular date nights after their little one is here. I also have to remember, those people havent lost a child and don't have the slightest clue as to what its like to lose the mostprecious thing to you. They don't have panic attacks or anxiety not being by their little ones like i do... i try not to compare myself and say to each their own. When I got home from the store, was Harlow hurting and crying? No... She was perfectly happy hanging out with dad. 

I'm at a point where I'm starting to recognize this intense fear that I have. Fear of losing her just like I lost Lyla. I am scared that something will happen to her. I feed her all organic things in an attempt to not expose her to hormones or pesticides or anything else that can cause cancer. I am genuinely afraid and have anxiety over it. 

This is something I'm going to have to slowly work on. It's hard to hear criticism from other people, regarding what I allow her to have, or how she sleeps or naps, or how I don't let other people 'watch' her. They have never lost a child. They don't have even an ounce of understanding of this anxiety that I have regarding the care and safety of her. I'm not saying that this is completely fine for me to have, but I do feel like it's justified. I wish it was treated tenderly with understanding and respect instead of ridicule. It's a hard road having your rainbow baby. Not just the pregnancy, but also the after part. The actually having your rainbow baby part. I never could have imagined how hard it has been, but we're getting through it, one day at a time. 

3 Regrets

Yesterday was international bereaved Mother's Day and after a day of reflecting, I couldn't help but feel sad and focus on the 3 regrets that I had after Lyla's passing.
1. I wish we would have gotten her heartbeat recorded into a bear. There's a foundation that offers 3D ultrasounds and your baby's heartbeat recorded into a bear, free of charge. I had just contacted one of the people who founded the foundation inquiring about getting one done for Lyla. He took a little while getting back to me because his wife's father had unexpectedly passed away. By the time he got back to me, Lyla had already passed. I wish so much that I had that to listen to now.
2. I had arranged for the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation to come and take professional photos of Lyla after she was born. My assigned photographer (who also did my maternity pictures with her), came to see me in the hospital as I was being induced and I was suppose to call her once Lyla was born. After she was born I called and cancelled and said she didn't have to come. Why did I do that?? I have no idea. I was so emotional and mentally unaware of everything really, that I have no clue why I didn't have her come. I got many photos of her on my own camera, but I so wish I had some professional ones now.
3. I wish we would have argued for Lyla to stay in our room with us overnight. I remember bits and pieces after the delivery and I remember feeling rushed or feeling like people were waiting to take her away. I wish I was more mentally aware of what was going on to be able to say, she's staying with us.
I know I shouldn't focus on regrets, but I couldn't help it yesterday. I will add in a positive... I am thankful that I listened to my instincts and got to see her one last time at the funeral home. It was the most special moment that I will never forget.