The Light At The End of The Tunnel

I was driving in the car the other day and glanced into my rear view mirror like I always do. Not looking for anything in particular really. Just checking on the kids. This time however, left a pit in my stomach.

I glanced into the mirror like every other time before, and saw my kids. All 3 of them. Harlow is still rear facing, so I see both her and Hawke in their seat back mirrors. 

Ever since Harlow was born, there have been many times I've taken some pictures to look back at later and I'll see bits and pieces of Lyla. There are certain looks that Harlow makes, that look just like her sister. It brings a smile to my face everytime because it's one of those subtle and sweet reminders that she has an older sister. I like seeing Lyla in her. Although they look different, those times she gives a certain look, make me flash to what this life would look like with Lyla here. Sisters.

It's unnerving looking at Hawke sometimes though. It is unreal how much they look alike. When I looked in my rear view mirror, for a split second, I caught a glimpse of Lyla, just riding around in her carseat. 

My heart beats fast, I start to feel warm and my eyes start to burn. Everything slows down for I'm sure just a few seconds, but it feels like minutes. 

She should be here. Sitting in her carseat. With her brother and sister next to her. I should be looking at three reflections in the mirror, not just two. 

I look at Hawkins and see Lyla all the time. It's hard to really deem it as something beautiful or something sorrowful. Although complete opposites, I have to say it's both. When one tugs on your heart, the other pulls it back. It's a tug of war between the beauty and sorrow, the smile and tears, the calm and the panic. 

She would be 3 this year. 

When Harlow plays 'Lyla's music' or gives her picture in the hallway a kiss, I talk to Harlow happily about her sister. I hear myself saying how she's in heaven with Jesus... How beautiful she is and how we wish she was here... What a great little sister Harlow is for showing her big sister so much love. 

I walk away and catch myself in the hallway mirror. I feel pain. I see sadness. I see myself pretending. I feel guilty. 

Sometimes the tug of war between happiness and sadness gets to be too overwhelming and I start to feel guilt.

Guilt for feeling or showing sadness, when my rainbows Harlow and Hawkins, are very much here with me and healthy. Shouldn't that be enough? 

Guilt for talking about Lyla happily and excitedly with the kids, when really I'm walking away feeling sad that my baby died.

The reality is, it's tough carrying around guilt for simply feeling emotions. The struggle between the highs and lows of grief is what becomes maddening. No matter what end you fall on, there's guilt for being there. On a sad day, I feel guilty for being sad for the sake of Harlow and Hawke who are very much alive and here with me. And on a happy day, I feel guilt for 'forgetting about Lyla'. Even though it's absolutely not possible. 

This is a struggle that is going to be never ending. As long as I'm here and without her, I'm going to long for her to be with us. 

I remember driving home from the NICU, bringing Hawkins home from the hospital.  I looked in the review mirror at 2 kids peacefully sleeping on the ride home. I smiled to myself as I drove home carrying that precious cargo. When I looked back a second time I couldn't help but think I should be looking back at three. 

We will always be one less. One less carseat. One less birthday party. One less visit from the tooth fairy. One less stocking to fill. One less graduation. One less wedding. 

Society has us thinking our goal is to get back to normal.  To put the past behind us. To put our grief behind us. To see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

But the truth is, this tunnel is our life. When we keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, everything along the way is a dark blur flying past each side of us. We need to stop thinking the end result in the grief journey, is getting to this proposed happiness that's waiting for us in the presence of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If we take our desperate eyes off the light at the end, we'll notice there's lights along the way. Leading us forward, and lighting our path if we have the courage to continue stepping forward. The light is a shining beacon of hope and faith and a reminder of what waits for us at the end if we have the strength to continue the journey. Although parts of the tunnel are dark, just when we think we can't see enough to take another step, another light lights the way. These two rainbows of mine are on either side of me, walking with me. If I ever think I can't take another step, their lights just shine a little brighter.

And We're Back... With Updates!

So here we are again, almost 3 months from my last post. I sadly keep falling behind on posting. Mostly because my days are so busy now having 2 under 2, that when the day finally ends and I get both the babies in bed, all I really have the energy to do is shower, and watch something I've DVR'd before getting in bed myself before Hawkin's first waking. I'm going to try really hard to get back in the groove of things!
I'll hopefully be quick with some of the updates of everything that's happened in the last 3 months- starting with Thanksgiving... Harlow and Hawkins made some Turkey shirts with their own little hands and some paint! They turned out so cute :)

Harlow's love for the outdoors continues. She never wants to leave the park, or really anything that is happening outside. 

It pleasantly makes me think of my dad every time and how I know they would just love their hikes together and picnics outdoors with Henley. Here is a very cherished picture of my nieces and nephew with my dad doing one of the special things he loved to do with his grand-babies outdoors. It pains me to see them have these memories with my dad, that my children won't ever get to experience. It just means they're going to have to share these stories and memories with my kids so they can know exactly what kind of grandpa he was.

We finally got our first family picture of the 4 of us that I totally intended on using for a Christmas card... which not surprisingly, never happened. Here is another vow to send some out next year :)

Christmas was so fun with Harlow this year because now she actually likes to open presents... and her obsession with the Bubble Guppies made for one special gift to be extra fun watching her open. 

Hawkins, at 4 months old fit into his stocking this Christmas. It's going to be so cute to look back on when he's older, remembering when he was so small to fit inside his stocking on Christmas!

We had a snow day here in January and Harlow just loved watching the snow fall. She kept saying SNOW and wanted to go outside. She would cry when we would come in to warm up a bit, because she just wanted to be out there all day.

Although some days are very exhausting, I can happily say things are going great! Every single day I see all these advancements in both of the kids development and processing.

Harlow is a major chatterbox. She talks, talks, talks... All. The. Time. It is the the most darling thing to see her personality come to life and see her growing and learning. She mostly talks in her own mile a minute language, with 'real' words scattered about. Which makes it all the more amusing when she goes on rants about something, with full on voice raising, finger pointing, and hand waving attitude.
Right now, she is starting to repeat everything we say, and then will proudly shout the word of something as we're doing it.
Examples: I'll put her cup together and she shouts STRAW! We bag up the trash and she shouts GARAGE (garbage). She finishes breakfast and runs into the living room shouting GUWEES (her favorite show Bubble Guppies). If I am talking to Adam while he's at work, I'll let Harlow know, and she'll say DADDY, WOO (work)! Whenever leaving a room or doing something new, I always say, 'Okay, let's go', which Harlow has now shortened to just SCO as she leads the way to a new room. There are a million more, but I'll leave her toddler talk at that :)
It amazes me how just 1 year ago, she wasn't even walking yet... was actually barely crawling. And now my baby looks like a little GIRL, sitting at the table eating her organic cereal in the morning with a spoon.

This girl also doesn't nap... She is learning so much and wants to be in-the-know about everything, so she has no time for it ;) She has been known to occassionally fall asleep face down on the floor or the couch. That is the only nap she will take... 

Or if we're riding in the car. It's my lucky day if I get them both asleep at the same time in the car like this cherished moment: 

Hawkins is a major sweetheart and is the sweetest baby ever. For the most part, he is super chill and relaxed. We've been in many situations where I remember Harlow would freak out or fuss, and he just hangs out. I was praying for that, as Harlow was and still is, my super high-needs baby. With that said, I also hoped he would still have her same enthusiastic, happy and silly demeanor. So far, Hawke seems to be showing signs of both as his personality continues to unveil itself. Harlow is a bit high strung, intense, and passionate, while Hawke is a very chill and easy going dude, but they both seem to be happy, silly and talkative! Harlow didn't really start 'talking' a lot until around 10 months and closer to her 1st birthday. Hawkins, at 4 months, started talking and making noises all the time.

Besides watching them grow individually and come into the people they are and are going to be, it is an absolute joy to watch their relationship grow and bloom. Harlow is the best big sister. She just adores Hawkins so much. She just wants to kiss and comfort him all day long. This also includes hugging him while he nurses, giving him hot chocolate kisses and adorning him with jewels :)

She has also picked up a lot of mommy skills. She has began trying to nurse her baby dolls and favorite stuffed animals... which as a nursing mother and breastfeeding advocate, it warms my heart to see her 'nursing' her babies instead of holding a bottle to their mouth.

She tries to give her baby dolls and stuffed animals a paci, as well as pit them in their stroller or Hawkins car seat, complete with a swaddle blanket.

The other day, we were at a play center and there were a few other kids there. One of these kids was a little boy who was probably somewhere approaching the age of one, but wasn't walking yet. He was sitting on the ground playing and Harlow held his hand, only to notice he was drooling... which then promoted her to come over by me, get into the diaper bag, get a wipe out, then proceeded back over to the little boy to wipe his mouth and clean him up :) She is going to be such a great mommy someday!

I am so thankful every day for my Rainbow Babies and many days I wonder how Lyla would fit into the mix. What would her personality have been like?
We spend so much time during the early months half hoping time would speed up a little bit and get out of the hard phases of new routines, figuring out the new little being at home, and getting to a point where we can actually get a full nights sleep, eat a full meal, or just have a moment to clean the house with both hands. But while time feels like its going slow sometimes, its actually flying by us. Unfortunately, the majority of the time, we don't realize it until we're looking back on those moments and they've already become a thing of the past. I've been hyper aware of this recently and I think I've been doing a good job of living in the moment...something that's always been hard for me to do, as I'm always looking into the future- dreaming and planning. I don't want another day to go by where I'm missing out on moments in the present, just to wish for them back down the road.