Your birthday was November 13th, and all week I was thinking about you and how much I wish you were still here. You taught me so much about life, were my biggest fan, always an encourager and the person who I could call feeling so down, confused, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed (really any emotion in the book), and I would hang up the phone feeling so good. It always felt like everything made sense, and everything would be alright, after I got done talking with you.
The morning of your birthday, I was up for a feeding with Hawke around 5am, and after I put him back to bed, the sun was rising. What a perfect way to start November 13th.... I snapped a picture.
You loved the mornings. That was your time. You would often get up at 5 or 6am to start your day and would roll out of bed with no problem at all. I can picture you now, waking up and looking out the huge picture window in your room, and seeing the sun rise over the golden hills in Clayton, California. The window you stare out of is that of your dream home. The one you built with your own 2 hands, and final thing written on your goal sheet you created when you were 20. I can see you standing at the window, all dressed and ready to start the day, staring out at the beauty of the morning.
I see you go down stairs, start your coffee and eat some breakfast while reading the newspaper in the breakfast nook. You had such a thankful heart for God waking you up every morning to His beauty. I can see you sitting in the still of the morning in a quiet house and I want so bad to join you at the table. Tell you Happy Birthday and how I've felt so lost without you.
Knowing you, you probably would have had a birthday breakfast date planned at Country Waffles with one of your many friends. If it was a Sunday, I can guarantee you would be bringing donuts in for your Usher Team at church, all the while letting everyone know it was your birthday, so you could be showered wih even more love than you were already receiving on Sunday's :).
As a kid, I developed a tradition of always making a banner for many holidays. Mainly birthdays and things like Mother's Day and Father's Day. These banners were originally created on your old fax machine rolls of paper. This November 13th, it pains me to not be home and making you a banner that you always seemed to love so much.
Hawkins started his day by wearing green, you're favorite color. I smiled to myself after I was looking through the pictures we took. Your pj pants were the background :). It was one of many things throughout the day that made me feel like you were close to me.
I wish you were here to see Hawke. You would just love him so much! You would carry his pictures with the rest of ours in your ziplock baggie in your truck to show to everyone!
As the day started, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do to celebrate your day. I knew I wanted us to release a balloon, because we do that for Lyla on her birthday. Our kids are always going to know and remember Lyla, even though they never got to meet their big sister... And they will always know and remember their grandpa Rocco, even though neither of them got to meet you. You do get to be with one of your grandchildren though, sweet Lyla :) I am so happy you are there to be grandpa Rocco to her. She is so lucky!
The balloon that seemed to have fallen into our laps, was a birthday ballon that read Make A Wish. That was you! You were always such a dreamer, one of the many things I am so thankful to have inherited from you. Every birthday you made sure to have a good wish before blowing out your candles. I couldn't wait to send it up to you.
There are pictures of you on the refrigerator and Harlow knows them. When I ask "where's grandpa Rocco?" She smiles and points to you. Every time I tell her you're in heaven with Jesus and Lyla.
I think back to Lyla's balloon release for her memorial and I know you enjoyed doing that and reflecting on her short life. You were gone before her first birthday, but I know if you were here, you would have done a balloon release just like we do on her birthday. Now you both get to receive our balloons and celebrate together. That brings me such comfort :)
Harlow hasn't been too into coloring despite my best efforts to get different kinds of crayons and markers to spike some curiosity. Coloring holds her attention for about 10 seconds while she attempts to make a few dots on the paper, and then gets bored with it. On your birthday, I wrote Happy Birthday Grandpa Rocco on her page, and what do you know, she made her first lines of color on the page! She was very excited she was actually 'drawing'.
On our way home, my best friend Casey suggested I think WWRD? What would Rocco do? I started getting flooded with ideas. I was so bummed out your birthday was coming to a close and I was just then thinking of some really awesome ways to celebrate you. Next year, I promise we'll make it even better.
I love you so much and cannot even begin to put into words my love for you and how your absence has created such a tremendous void in my life. I think of you everyday and am still in disbelief that you're not just a phone call away. It's almost thanksgiving... Your favorite time of year. It will never be the same again and it brings me to tears to think we'll never have another thanksgiving together... But that's a whole other post in itself.
Happy Birthday daddy!!! Enjoy all of the attention in heaven and kiss Lyla for me!
- your Pretty Pretty Princess
