NT Scan

Although more recently an NT scan has started to be offered to anyone, traditionally, the scan was reserved for either high risk patients with a genetic history of abnormalities, or for women over the age of 35 who were pregnant. With Lyla, we were at a regular obgyn and I was never offered that scan, being that it was a regular doctor, and I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 22. We also only had one early ultrasound to date the pregnancy, and I never had another one until our anatomy scan at 20 weeks. Because of those things, we never knew Lyla was sick until half way through our pregnancy. If I were offered a Nuchal Translucency scan at 12 weeks... We would have found out then, and would not have gone 2 more months believing our baby was okay.
With Harlow our pregnancy started at Maternal Fetal Medicine, and with Lyla's triploidy case, the NT scan, as well as other testing, was not only offered, but encouraged. I was so scared and anxious starting that pregnancy, that to me, a scan that only gave risks, was not going to bring me any comfort. We just came off of a medical whirlwind where we were told our daughter had 1:2 chance of having trisomy 18 (which I discovered at our previous doctors office, meant she HAD trisomy 18). Were transferred to UAB, where we were educated and our hearts were encouraged and protected... Did the amniocentesis, and it turned out she didn't even have that. She did however, have triploidy. It's all a numbers game with many false positives. Many chances to be scared to death that your child is sick and have them turn out fine. Or be scared your child has one thing, and it turns out to be another. The only 2 tests that actually give you answers and give you your child's genetic makeup is a cvs test or an amnio. All other 'tests' and screenings just give you numbers and risks on a board.
Because of my fears and anxiety, as well as knowing we were in good hands and would be getting a lot of ultrasounds at a hospital with the best machines, I found comfort in knowing that if anything were wrong, we would catch it on an ultrasound and handle it just like we did with Lyla- carry our baby and do whatever we could to give our baby the best change at life. I didn't need the stress of non-diagnostic tests and screenings.
This time around.... I was singing a different tune and surprised myself by actually considering doing the NT scan. I had felt off this pregnancy, which scared me because I felt 'off' with Lyla. I never said anything, but revealed those feelings after we found out she was sick. I told Adam before our first appointment with #3, that I felt 'off' and it was one of those feelings where if something were wrong, you'd look back and say 'I knew it' or 'I had a feeling'. Feeling that way, scared me and I didn't know what to do with those emotions. Part of me was convinced something was wrong or off based on my current feelings, and flashbacks to Lyla's pregnancy. And part of me convinced myself that it's just because I haven't thought about this baby all that much due to our crazy life and the busyness that comes with having a baby. Maybe part of those feelings were guilt for not letting this pregnancy occupy 100% of my mind like my previous pregnancies. But I needed to give myself a break and realize no pregnancy is ever going to be like your first, or in my case, the second as well. Experiencing additional pregnancies is still the glorious experience that it is, just completely different in its own right.
After talking to Adam about those feelings and after comparing my thoughts regarding not finding out about Lyla's sickness until 20 weeks... I decided I wanted to do the NT scan. I called the doctor on a whim on a friday and made the appt for the very next Tuesday, hoping I wasn't making a mistake.
Going to our appointment that Tuesday, I was nervous but also really excited and for the first time really had all my thoughts dedicated to this little one. However there were some hard times that kind felt like some PTSD. I was given a from to fill out with some previous pregnancy and genetic history questions. I remember filling out that same form when we were transferred there in hopes of figuring out what was wrong with Lyla. I flashed back to that moment and had a wave of nausea. We were taken back to what I that was going to be an ultrasound room... But it was the tiny genetics screening room where we sat down to watch a video regarding what they were going to be doing and what they were testing for. That same room we sat while watching a video for our target ultrasound and amniocentesis with Lyla. Afterwards we opened the door like we had done before and were guided to a consulting room. That same room where we were told all about Lyla's condition. I felt kind of dizzy throughout that experience which I didn't expect as well. This coming from the same person who wished I delivered Harlow in the same room as Lyla, instead of in the room next door. I've been handling everything so well and just absorbing everything with a grateful heart, that I was surprised the lead up to the NT scan would affect me so much.
We started the scan and got good news after good news. I asked if they could do a mini anatomy scan while they were measuring the fluid and they checked all they could. Many things they couldn't check for yet, but they did all they could and everything looked great so far.
This little one was tapping its foot like it was listening to music, and waved a few times. Also bucked around on its back just like I remember Harlow doing :) I left that appointment feeling reassured and calmer than before. It was exactly what I needed. Thank you Jesus for laying it on my heart to get the scan!

We're Expecting...

Baby number 3!!! I have wanted to post on here since the beginning, but we weren't ready to share the news with the world until recently. I am currently almost 15 weeks along.
We found out Harlow was going to be a big sister at the beginning of January when Harlow was just turning 9 months old. My first prenatal appointment was later than I have ever had one before- 9 weeks, but baby was measuring exactly on time and given a due date of September 17, 2013.
It's crazy how different a pregnancy is after you already have a baby at home. With Lyla and with Harlow, I had so much time to think about them and their impending arrival. I had time to notice every pregnancy symptom, everything changing, every wave of feeling and emotion, every thought... I had all the time and mental space to dedicate to thinking about them and getting to know them before they were here. This time... I spend so much time and mental space caring and thinking about Harlow and her milestones and phases, that many days I forget I'm pregnant again. It's crazy just how different the entire experience is when you have a small child at home with you.
I am however, reminded that I'm pregnant, by the overwhelming sickness I've had this pregnancy. I was not sick at all with Lyla. And with Harlow I was sick about 2 weeks, weeks 7-9. This time around it was really bad for 3 weeks and it's carried on into the 2nd trimester. I don't know if it just has to do with a different pregnancy (possibly a boy?) or if it's a combination of pregnancy hormones and the already worn out days I sometimes have keeping up with a now almost 1 year old. I definitely am exhausted at the end of the day- another thing that is increased when pregnant and having a baby at home. The normal pregnancy fatigue has nothing on this. When you're pregnant with your first, or in my case, my first and second, if you are sick to your stomach and feel like you're going to throw up, you can lay in bed, and catch up on much needed sleep... This time around, sleeping and laying around with a blankie is not an option. So maybe that's contributed to my sickness as well, who knows!

Society's Taboo

It probably seems like I'm writing a lot about my loss lately. I didn't expect that when i came back to the blog. After all, this is our family blog, not Lyla's blog. Which brings me to what I'm going to say next. Society seems to push those of us who lose a child to the corners of life. Hidden away for no one to see. Losing a child, brands you and forces you to live in a new dimension. An alternate world because society is so afraid of death and loss. No one wants to hear about it or talk about it.
Babycenter is a large, widely popular, pregnancy forum for women trying to conceive, pregnant, and with small children. Along with the wide array of information available, there are thousands of 'boards' that you can join and post with other moms or mom-to-be's. This place was my safe haven when we found out Lyla was sick. I pretty much left my July 2011 Birth Board all together and joined a Carrying Pregnancy Despite Poor/Fatal Diagnosis Board. This board was full of women pregnant with their baby's that were dying. These women have been my support. I feel closer to many of them than many of my friends and I have never met any of them face to face. We cross over to a private Life After board, after our babies have died and gone to heaven. In 'our world' we talk about our angels, talk about our rainbows, and vent about people who just don't get it.
Some of 'those' people have inspired this post. On a current Birth Board recently I came cross a woman's post telling her board that she wants anyone who mentions a loss, to include the word 'trigger' in the title. She was sick and tired of hearing about these late losses and them catching her off guard. She was a first time mom and hearing that some people's baby's die, scared her and she was so freaked out, she wanted to put a stop to it.
This is a perfect example of what baby loss moms face after we pull ourselves off the ground and force ourselves to join in the world again. People are freaked out by death and loss, particularly a child, that they don't want to hear about it. It makes people uncomfortable.
Therefore, we can't speak of our dead baby for fear it may offend someone... it may scare someone, or 'ruin' someone's blissful pregnancy. The list goes on. 'Those' people would probably have a problem with me posting anything regarding Lyla on this blog. Afterall, this is our family blog. Anything regarding loss should be posted on Lyla's blog, because then at least the reader would be aware and could choose not to read it. But because I posted here, and didn't put TRIGGER, you're reading this now and are mad that the seed of death has been planted in your mind.
The world wants to be protected by people like 'us'. To them, baby loss moms like myself, can either walk around in life forgetting our child and never speaking of them again, protecting their perfect view of reality. Or we can wear a mask with a branded symbol, alerting the world we've experienced the death of a baby- warning everyone to avoid us like the plague. They don't want us raining on anyone's parade.
I refuse to forget about my child. My dead child is just as much apart of my life and vocabulary as my living child. I refuse to refer to my child as a TRIGGER for fear that I need to alert anyone listening, that they may want to cover their ears before I speak of her. For all the people that agree that speaking about a dead child should come with some warning... time for people to 'opt out' if they feel uncomfortable, just know I used to see living children as a trigger. What if I made everyone hide their kids and pregnancies from me? I'd be met with ridicule. Yet somehow people feel the need to force grieving parents into a corner, to grieve separately, on our own, away from scaring society.
Now, having a living child as well, I've started the beginning stages of meeting other moms and young babies- developing some friendships to form play groups. It's hard as a grieving parent, to juggle the death of one child and life of another. There's a degree of seperation between parents with a loss and parents without a loss. It's sometimes difficult for me to put aside my loss of Lyla to just focus on Harlow. I think it has to do with the fact that Lyla is our firstborn. People who don't know us well, see Harlow and think she's our first child. So as I'm starting to get to know groups of moms, I almost feel the need to hide that part of myself, to match the giddiness of the other first time moms with their 'one baby', in order to fit in. We can connect over parenting our living children, only I have a second area, that longs to connect to someone. But that's where my support group comes in, who I am thankful for everyday.
Society wants to push us to the far edges of the earth where we can't hurt, scare or traumatize anyone by speaking about the loss of our child. But while you're sitting there freaked out over the THOUGHT of something happening to your baby, something DID happen to my baby. And while you're sobbing over the seed that I now planted in your head regarding the THOUGHT of having to struggle to live life after a loss. This IS my life after loss. And it's going to be spoken of.

Turning Suffering Into Strength

You always hear people quote: "without suffering, there'd be no compassion". Tell that to someone suffering and it goes in one ear and out the other. However there is great truth in that. When things are going great in life, it's hard to really take the time to stop and be grateful or think of those less fortunate. In a lot of ways, if you haven't experienced any true suffering in this lifetime, the smallest things can seem like a huge deal. It's easy to think everything's going wrong, if some small hardship gets in the way. That person, doesn't know true suffering, so petty things get catastrophized.
Sometimes I witness that and think what in the world would that person do if something truely traumatic happened? How would they even know how to deal with it?
I am not the same person that I was 2 years ago. I experienced 2 traumatic losses in the course of 8 months, that affected me deeply. I can say I have truely experienced suffering. Im continuing to experience heartache I never thought possible. But because of that, I am a stronger person than I ever thought I was. It's tested my faith and character and although its been hard, I've continued to get through it with as much grace as I can manage. I am forever thankful for those trials because its altered my being and has made me closer to the person I want to be.

Finding Lyla

Many days my daughter is just memory for me and those who loved her. I rely on my memories of carrying her and holding her for the first time to make me feel close to her again.
It's nice to go through her keepsake box and relive that time in our lives when we prayed endlessly over our daughter, hoping a miracle would happen. I held out so much hope and had so much faith it amazes me when I look back on it. I was truely in God's arms through that entire journey. All I have are those feelings, memories, songs and photos to take me back to that time and remember her while she was with us on earth.
Then there are certain days I feel far away from her. I don't know if it's because I've been disconnected from life in general, or if its just the simple but sad fact that life goes on. But I have felt like I've been trying to find her and connect with her again. When these feelings come, God never ceases to amaze me and send me something to calm my spirit.
That's when I came across this picture. I instantly felt flooded with emotion and really just began to cry. I feel Lyla and God's love. I'm not sure if anyone is as moved by this photo as me, because I'm her mom. But I just see Lyla. And it comforts my heart. Thank you God for these gentle comforts.

Reconnecting

There's no easy way to put this, but for the last year or so I've removed myself from life.
I'm sure that's evident through the lack of posts on this blog. Which I swore I was going to keep up with. I keep thinking I need to update the blog. But never have the energy to actually do it. I've completely disengaged myself from living.
I feel guilty saying this given the joyful birth of our rainbow baby Harlow was in April. On Easter, really, which was a true blessing. But given the trials and tribulations I have faced, it seemed like nothing could really bring me out of this sad, depressed, zombie state that I have been in.
Harlow is the best baby in the world, with so much personality and attitude. She is extremely particular and knows what she wants ;) As awesome as those characteristics are, it also makes for a high needs and 'hard' baby. Which still, I would not change for anything. She won't be a bump on a log, that's for sure. These things about her are really going to make her who she is as she grows into a toddler, big girl, teenager😳and young lady. However they're also things that just make infant-hood pretty darn difficult.
Being a first time mom and also coming off of a loss, motherhood has been an overwhelmingly great and hard experience. I have grown and learned so much in the 11 months she has been here. I can't imagine life without her. I am also completely worn-out. Some days I'm just looking to get through it and into the next day. The mommy's with strong willed, high needs babies know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't have the time or mental capacity to really think or deal with anything else. Yet my fathers death and my daughters death still loom in the back of my head. Really, in the foundation of my head, where they've taken root.
I am filled with incredible emotion from the sudden and quick death of my father. I'm still trying to figure out how to 'do' life without him. Many days he comes into my mind and I make it leave quickly because I don't have the mental space to even START to process my feelings regarding it. Therefore it stays there, deeply rooted in the base of my mind while everything else piles on top of it.
Entwined in those same roots, are the emotions from losing my sweet first born daughter Lyla. Although having Harlow was healing in many ways, she by no means replaced her, so the hurt is still there and so many times I'm reminded of that hurt, when I look at Harlow. When she's sleeping or looking at me in just the right light, I see her sister. And it haunts me to feel like I should be watching my 2 girls playing, not just 1. But again, these feelings float out just as quickly as they float in, because I simply do not have the energy to even begin to deal with these emotions. So back to the root they go, to sit, until they decide to travel upwards again. I don't think they will ever be uprooted from my mind. In fact, I don't want them to. But they seem so entangled and jagged with grief, that I feel sometime soon, I need to begin to process these emotions, for my own well being.
When this new year rolled around, I made a resolution. I've never been one to make resolutions because I feel like if you want or need to do something, there's no better day than today. Why wait till New Years to make a resolution? But this year I did. I did because I needed something to drive me to make a change. I vowed that I was going to re-engage in life in 2013 and find happiness again. I knew it was going to be a long and difficult road but I NEEDED to do it. I couldn't continue removing myself from life. I needed to truely live again and find happiness in the many things I can be thankful for.
Part of that is going to be me updating the blog more frequently. Actually engaging this part of my life and possibly even find some clarity through posting.