November- 1 year later

It's hard to describe how I have been feeling these past few months... who are we kidding, the past year. We  have sunk deeper into the month of November and 2 things are approaching  My dad's birthday tomorrow, and Thanksgiving.
I flash back to a year ago and feel sick to my stomach. A year ago, Adam and I boarded a plane headed west to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It would be the first Thanksgiving home as a married couple. I was 20 weeks pregnant, had just gotten great news from the Anatomy scan and had also found out we were expecting another little girl. We talked middle names on the plane there and anticipated my dads famous turkey and stuffing and revealing the gender.
I flash back to the moment we got in the car after arriving at SFO and my mom saying my dad still wasn't feeling good and had been in bed. I looked out the window at the city thinking my dad was sick with the flu.
I flash to the moment my dad couldn't get out of bed and we called 911 as an ambulance came. I feel sick.
I flash to watching my mom do my dads job and chop the fixings for the stuffing through tear filled eyes as she took a break from the hospital while awaiting my dad's brain scan... revealing he had a large mass of cancer in his lung. I feel sick and begin to pray.
I flash to suddenly pausing in the kitchen, pink frosting all over, running into the living room to gather around as my mom told us my dad had cancer lesions all over his brain. I feel sick.
I flash to Thanksgiving morning. It came and for the first time in my entire life, I woke up to a quiet, sad house with no turkey in the oven. That familiar scent that woke me up for 23 years, suddenly didn't exist. My dad was nowhere to be found. He wasn't waking me up at 5am to help him stuff the bird. He wasn't there. He was at the hospital. Diagnosed with Cancer. I feel sick. 
I flash to going through the motions with glazed eyes as family members arrived for the Thanksgiving party. Eventually the Turkey and everything else that goes along with Thanksgiving dinner was made. But the feast, was a blur. Zombies, we just wanted to get through the party and see my dad. Vacant stares were brought back alive when we thought someone was honestly about to put on a cup of coffee to drag the evening out longer. I feel sick. 
I flash to seeing my dad in his hospital gown standing in the doorway making friends with hospital staff as we arrived baring Thanksgiving dinner.
I flash to presenting him with his gender reveal cupcake to find out what we were having... and realizing he was right: He chose girl. 
I flash to his bright smile. Revealing what a strong man he was in the face of adversity.
November 23rd. The day our lives changed forever. And as my dad always said: November 23rd- when the whirlwind started. Although the whirlwind ended for my dad 3 months later, on February 20th, the day after my birthday. The whirlwind has continued for us left behind. The whirlwind has yet to stop. I still... feel sick.

First Tooth Emerges

Harlow has been teething like crazy for months now and I have been anxiously awaiting the appearance of a little white tooth bud for what seems like forever. I know Harlow has been waiting for that too. She has been chewing on absolutely everything and has spent many sleepless nights with her little gums in pain.
The night of Halloween while we were walking around trick or treating she began to grab my finger to chew on like every other time before but this time I felt a little something sharp. Her first tooth! In true Harlow fashion it happened on a special occasion out of the ordinary and that little tooth decided it wanted to trick or treat too :)

About a week later the one right next to it decided to emerge as well. She officially has her 2 little bottom teeth that look cuter with everyday that passes as they are growing up more and I can catch a glimpse of them when she laughs and smiles!
I have yet to get a picture of it because she won't be still long enough for me to capture the tippy tops of those soon to be pearly whites.

Halloween

It is now fall, Adam's favorite time of year, and it seems to be flying by so fast already! We celebrated Adam's 32nd birthday on the 7th of this month and now it is already almost time for Halloween. I have yet to get Harlow her Halloween costume. I really wanted her to be an Owl from PBkids because it is just too precious:

They even have a Mama Owl Costume that I want so bad:

However, I waited too long and it's sold out online already. I keep meaning to call the PBkids store down at The Summit to see if they have any in the store but I've been putting it off due to lack of funds.
We have gone to 2 places so far where she may have worn a costume if she had one, and she has just worn her cute Halloween outfit which seemed to suit the occasion just fine. Since Adam works 2nd shift at the moment, he's gone at work around 2pm until about midnight. Since Halloween is during the week, I don't think we'll be going out trick or treating or anything considering Adam will be working. So I'm re thinking even purchasing a Halloween costume this year... after all she's just a baby and we won't even being going out on Halloween. The only thing that makes me sad about not getting a costume though is missing out on all the cute pictures. Everyone knows the first Halloween costume is all about the pictures anyway.
We went to the Pumpkin Patch last weekend which turned out to be a lot of fun! We took a tractor ride out to the pumpkin patch, got to paint our pumpkins, and went through the Corn Maze. Harlow had a fun time looking around at everything, but got tired out towards the end. She fell asleep in the carrier while going through the Corn Maze.

Harlow also attended her friends Grady & Parker's Pirate Party and loved being around all the other little ones!

Oh... to live in Birmingham

We are living in Gadsden now, which I have always been less than thrilled about. Many people from around here may not understand it, but growing up in the Bay Area and right outside of San Francisco, just moving to Birmingham, the biggest city in Alabama, is a culture shock and still feels so small. Thankfully, I have seemed to find my 'home' place in Alabama and it's in Birmingham. We lived in Birmingham right after we got married. Then moved to Trussville, an area right outside of Birmingham. As I've gotten to know the area and majority of the state, Birmingham and it's surrounding areas seem most like California. There are a few neighborhoods and shopping areas that have all of the normal places I'm used to: The Summit, resembles Broadway Plaza in downtown Walnut Creek or Fashion Island in Newport Beach. Even the architecture resembles California... which makes sense since I found out they contracted a Californian to draw up the plans! The Galleria mall is a mix between casual SunValley and SouthCoast Plaza. All the eateries are my normal favorite places, from Fleming's Steak House to Cheesecake Factory, PF Changs, CPK, and Panera to Chipotle. In a nutshell, Birmingham and it's surrounding areas make me feel comfortable and everything I need to do is just down the road.
Gadsden, is a little over an hour away from all these places. You can walk the carpeted mall here in a matter of 10 minutes and the only restaurants are your typical chains like Chilli's, Logan's and Red Lobster. One thing they do have in excess... fast food and Walmart.
This may sound like a lot of complaining, but I've been getting frustrated a lot lately because of this. I have had a lot of things on my mind since my dad's passing, so I'm already on edge, but this is one of those small annoyances that have turned into a big deal lately. It wasn't too bad when it was just me. I actually kind of enjoyed the drive down there and taking the whole day to do things down there. But with Harlow... it just seems so hard. Sometimes all I want to do is head out and get some lunch and run errands... at all the places in Birmingham... but I would like to be able to head out the door and be back in an hour if Harlow needed a nap.
Sometimes I just want to take Harlow in the stroller or sling and go for a walk. Given, that nowhere here has sidewalks and they're all small one or 2 lane roads, I have to pack us in the car and go somewhere... just to unload and take a walk around. Even then... we're limited on places to do that. To be honest, I've exhausted the same 3 shopping centers around here and sometimes all I want is the simplicity of being able to walk outside and go... or drive around town and be done with everything.
To be back in an environment where everything is at my finger tips.
I keep driving to Birmingham with Harlow, just to get out of here and be back to a place of normalcy, but it's beginning to get exhausting. Plain and simple, Harlow doesn't do too good with the over an hour drive. She can usually make it down there... but getting done with our errands, having not had a nap and realizing we still have to drive home, is a major downer and typically what puts Harlow over the edge. I want more than anything to move back to Birmingham, or at least be closer, and be able to cut the trip in half.
When I was pregnant, if was so difficult to go and get some baby stuff or PreggiePpops when I was horribley nauseous with morning sickness. There is not a single, baby store or maternity store in this entire town. I was reminded of this when Harlow was 5 days old and we were freshly home from the hospital. My milk was really starting to come in and nothing fit! I needed a nursing bra asap. I had no choice but to drive over an hour to get one. On one particularly hard day when Harlow was a week old and we were still trying to establish breastfeeding, she would not nurse off the right side. I needed some relief, so I had Adam call all around town to find a place who sells breast pumps.... literally nowhere. He had to leave for 3 hours to go down to Birmingham to pick one up. Mix moments like these with either pregnancy or post-partum hormones and you have a nightmare. I still get worked up when I think about how I felt.
The latest in these moments and what has caused me to write this unexpected post, is the fact that I have no friends here, and I am trying to find things to do with other moms and babies, as well as be apart of some support groups. Recently I tried to find a local La Leche League so I could get involved and attend meetings... although there are 13 around the state (more than I was expecting to see), the closest one to me: Birmingham. I couldn't believe it. Actually, I could believe it. It's hard to feel like I can't truly dive into my community and be apart of it because my natural community... is over an hour away.

Harlow 5 months

Time just seems to be flying by... Harlow is 5.5 months now. In 2 short weeks, a day after her daddy's birthday, she's going to be 6 months old!! Half of her first year will be gone and in that same amount of time between when she was born and now, she will be 1 year old. Now I understand what they mean when they say time flies when you have kids. The day's seem to go by faster as well and they all seem to run into each other.

Harlow's 4 month Photo Shoot

On our last evening in Nor*Cal my old cheerleading advisor, Jenete, came over to take some pictures of Harlow. It had been a long day, like everyday on our trip so far, and she had  barely napped all day. When we got home, we put her down for a nap which only lasted an hour, and she, being an over-tired baby, woke up cranky just as I told Jenete it was time to come over. Although she was fussy for the majority of the shoot, Jenete, being the awesome photographer that she is, was able to capture quite a few great ones :)
Here are some pictures from Harlow's 4 month photo shoot!

CA Trip- Covalt Ranch

Sunday was spent out at our old house... the Covalt Ranch. We walked around our almost empty house and felt a million feelings at once. Happiness thinking of all the wonderful times we had in this house. The feeling of being 'home' and feeling close to my dad.
And sadness. Overwhelming sadness. I walked around the house my dad built, knowing we would never be gathering as a family again in this home that my dad dreamed, and turned into a reality. Sadness, that my dad was gone and no longer with us. An ever present reminder that our home was broken. Sadness as memories came flooding back of the first time my parents moved into this house after it was completed and I got to come home to the house my dad built with his own two hands. Holiday parties- where the house was filled with the loud and boisterous voices of all the Covalt's as well as my Aunt Judy and cousin Heather whose voices and stories fit right in with us Covalt's :)
I remember my dad's friends always stopping by on their way out or back into town. I remember how many times Peter and JJ came over to shoot guns or their bows and talk hunting.
I remember the look on my dad's face as he stared out the picture window in their bedroom and the sun would rise as he soaked in the beauty and thanked God every morning that he got to wake up to such a sight. This house was my dad's dream... he chased it and made it happen .My eyes well with tears just remembering the look  in his eyes as he looked through not just this bedroom window, but the window from his spot at the breakfast nook... the one in his office and trophy room where he would sit for hours 'billing' or 'getting work done', but the outdoors would always steal his attention; making work that could be done in an hour, take all day. It's heartbreaking to leave this house. To think of another family moving into this home and calling it theirs. It will never be theirs. It is ours. It is his. Forever.

While out at the property we also took advantage of all of us being together and we scattered some of my dad's ashes. We each took a turn scattering some of his ashes. It was hard thinking of my dad physically being there with us, and now, suddenly we were scattering some of his ashes. We chose to do it in the area the deer usually gathered. We spent many evenings waiting and watching for the deer. It seemed fitting to do it there.
Children have such an innocence about their approach to life and the way they perceive it. Somewhere along the way of life and growing up I feel like we lose our pure and simple way of  looking at life and life's struggles. Sometimes things don't need to be analyzed or figured out. They don't need to be thought of or mulled over. They don't need to be repressed or ignored. Sometimes the most honest answer is right there in front of you and with just a few words... it can say it all. While we were scattering the ashes, Harlow, who had been such a quiet, patient baby while we were there, broke the silence and started to fuss and cry. No one was talking or making noise but Harlow. A few moments later my 5 year old nephew Jacob said something so raw and profoundly true. He said, "Harlow's crying because Grandpa Rocco was suppose to be her Grandpa." He was. He should be here. He was suppose to be here to be her grandpa. Those words state the honest truth.

 By the fireplace in my dad's trophy room

 Me and My sister in my dad's spot in the trophy room

 By my dad's breifcase... his code was my birthday

 Jacob at the top of the stairs

 Me and my sister in the breakfast nook

 One of my dad's favorite views... from his spot at the kitchen table

 Papi Rocco's granddaughter "Harrrloowww Adriannnnnna" - insert Italian voice :)

 My dad's trophy room

 Our sinks in our bathroom

 My room that my dad made the painters paint pink

 Mommy and Harlow in my room

 Hanging out with cousin Taylor in my room

 One of the shelves in the Library

 My dad's briefcase

 View from his trophy room

 View from his trophy room

 Trophy Room

 Coming in from the garage. Living room into Kitchen

 Foyer

 Remembering how it felt to look in the mirrors

 With one of my dad's Covalt Construction signs

 Eagle Ranch property plans

 Covalt 2007- The dream my dad breathed life into

 Mommy&Harlow, Grandma, Auntie Michelle and cousins Emily, Jacob&Taylor