I went into this appointment with an idea of what to expect: weekly appointments including new measurements, BPP's and NST's. And at the slightest indication that he wasn't growing, I would be whisked off to deliver him. I had this crazy idea in my mind of us not having time to go back home to get anything, being admitted right away, Hawkins being born before I could fully understand what was even happening, and a whole emergency scene you'd see in a movie. For a week that's exactly what was in my head.
As a result of that... I was majorly nesting. I organized and cleaned out the most random of things. The laundry room being one of them. As well as our closet with clothes to donate, Harlow's closet to mark, store in bins and organize, as well as gather keepsakes, that over the course of her first year, had accumulated in many different spots in her room.
Because Hawkins' room hasn't been started yet, I went ahead and organized all of his things in Harlow's closet as well, that way things are washed, folded and organized in a proper spot if he should happen to come anyday now.
Needless to say, for one week, my mind and body was thinking Hawkins would have an awful appointment today and I would be in the hospital delivering him as we speak.
Because of that, it's no surprise on the car ride down to UAB this afternoon, I was incredibly nauseous. Which turned into sweaty palms, and me turning up the a/c. Which then lead to my heart beating fast and eventual tears which seemed to flood up out of nowhere. What in the world was happening to me? Why was I in the middle of a panic attack while driving to a normal appointment in which case I would see my baby and see how he was doing?
When I'm in a moment like that, scene after scene pops into my head like different versions of a horrible movie. In one scene, I'm alone in the ultrasound room with Harlow and they see he has fallen below the 5th percentile and they have me call Adam to come down there because they need to deliver him via c-section immediately. The next scene is us standing in the nicu, unable to hold our little boy while he fights to hang on to life. The next scene is Hawkins not making it and I'm looking at Adam saying how are we suppose to get through this again?
I had to stop myself there because I was going too far. Why was I driving to my appointment, and these are the things that pop into my head?
Sometimes, I feel like I have it all together, and even when I don't, I can pretend really well. And others... It's an embarrassingly emotional meltdown robed in a frantic panic.
This didn't stop in the car... Even when Adam took a break from work to talk me off the ledge of my breakdown while driving down to my appointment. This carried on into the doctors office.
I go through the motions of check in- the usual pee in a cup, blood pressure and weight check. The numbers catch my eye... Was I reading this correctly?? It was saying I lost 4 pounds since my visit 1 week earlier.
Now, as I've posted before, I kept seeing the same range of numbers throughout my entire pregnancy. It wasn't until last appointment I finally convinced someone to take me seriously and look at my chart to tell me how my weight gain was. In which case it revealed my weight was exactly the same as my first prenatal visit. Only I was 31 weeks. Sure enough, Hawkins was having a growth issue, which we wouldn't have caught (at least this early) if I hadn't pushed for someone to look into my lack of weight gain. Now, here I am a week later and I'm weighing 4 pounds less than last week?!?
Cue: anxiety.
If Hawke is already measuring 5 weeks behind and here I am losing 4 whole pounds, what could this be meaning for him?! I couldn't wait to see the doctor and ask, and more importantly, get an ultrasound and measure my little guy!
The doctor walks in. And it's someone I've never met before. A younger, middle eastern woman who introduces herself and says she's a fellow.
Okay. There it is. A fellow. I'm all for medical students learning and doing their fellowship and getting hands on experience. But when I've just been told 1 week earlier, that my baby has IUGR, I've gotten 2 rounds of steroids, don't know exactly what to expect, and had a nervous breakdown in the car, I'm not really looking for a fellow to walk in and act like they know everything they're talking about.
It also didn't sit well with me when she was giving me the standard treatment:
"Any fluid leaking? Any cramping or contractions?"
I tell her no and her response is, "okay great, so everything's going good."
Uhh... Have you even read my chart? I had a panic attack on the dang car ride over here, I've already cried once today, and you're going to give me the standard treatment like everything is going 'normally' in my pregnancy?
I decide to look past it, and ask about my weight being 4 pounds less... Which wasn't a good idea, considering it showed me even more how she had no clue what she was talking about. She really tried to give me the 'every pregnancy is different... You'll probably gain it all here in these last weeks' line. She expanded and went even further into her 'figuring out' my lack of weight gain.
"What was your pre pregnancy weight?"
Well, I guess exactly what I weighed at last appointment... Harlow was 8 months old when we conceived, I hadn't lost all my baby weight and I don't pay attention to the scale. So my pre pregnancy weight was what was recorded at my first prenatal appointment... Which was exactly what I weighed last week, giving me a 0 weight gain.
"Okay... Well... What was your weight... With her?" And she points to Harlow.
Well, I got pregnant with her 6 weeks after I had my daughter Lyla... So I'm not sure what that 'pre pregnancy weight' would be.
"Oh, the one with the issues?"
Alright. This chick has officially lost me. Really... Referring to my daughter who passed away as the one with the issues? Right then I stopped her quest of heroically figuring out the mystery to my lack of weight gain and shut down the entire conversation. She was about ready to walk out the door as she said, 'okay we'll see you in a week', when feeling mad, emotional, and confised I stopped her.
I felt pressed for time and like I needed to hurry and think of all the things I wanted to ask because my appointment was about to be over. I asked if during the BPP test/ultrasound, if they would be measuring him. I've been worried and wanted to know if he's grown any, especially after seeing that I lost 4 pounds. That's when she told me no, they wouldn't measure again for 3 weeks.
Feeling fragile and frustrated with this 'fellow' already, I was on the verge of tears and asked if Dr. Davis was there and that I'd like to speak with him and sent her out of the room.
I started sobbing the minute the door closed behind her.
Dr. Davis came in and felt so bad. He explained to me that with the error of ultrasound, that comparing measurements between last appointment and this appointment, just 1 week's time, it would be impossible to accurately measure and draw any conclusions from it. They want to wait another week, and will measure him again at the appointment next Thursday and compare them from there to see if he's had any progress or not. In the meantime, the major thing is doing the BPP's to make sure he is happy and feeling good and not experiencing any distress. Obviously it sound better when Dr. Davis explains it.
Words can't begin to describe how much I love this doctor. He is so genuine and sincere. The look on his face when he talks about Hawke, is the same look that he had talking about Lyla, when we were scared and first sent to UAB to figure out what was wrong with her. I feel okay and safe when he's keeping an eye on things. I didn't see him much during Harlow's pregnancy- thankfully because his expertise wasn't needed. So it's been both difficult and comforting, to be seeing him again regarding Hawkins.
Some of the similarities feel strange to me. Sort of a déjà vu, but also very different. Between Lyla's small abdomen and Hawke's small abdomen. Delivering her at 32 weeks and being 32 weeks with him now. Her positioning in my belly and his- I delivered her bottom first, and he's in that exact position now. It's both comforting- thinking about her and being taken back to that time with her- as well as painfully difficult. I'd like to think some of that is all contributing to this anxiety I have regarding Hawkins and his health. I know what can happen. And I've heard a lot of these things and have had a lot of these questions before. Walking such a similar, yet so different path, can be emotionally hard.
We ended the appointment with the BPP test/ultrasound... Which went great! The techs have to wait and watch the baby to do all of their 'tricks' for the test and it can sometimes last up to 30 min just waiting for them to do everything. Hawkins did them all within like 3 minutes! Our boy is little, but a fighter nontheless. Just like all of our babies :)
For the next week, we just sit and wait.
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