Toddler Harlow!

Around the time Harlow turned 11 months old, I noticed a dramatic change. She suddenly seemed like a little girl, not so much like a little baby anymore. She suddenly seemed to understand everything I would say to her, her mannerisms seemed older and I felt like overnight my baby turned into a toddler.
Along with her understanding things more and acting grown up, she also has learned to show me her assertiveness in the form of temper tantrums ;) If she is holding something, anything, and you take it away for one reason or another, it's full meltdown mode! Lol. The latest of the odd things she likes to hold and never let go of, are empty travel size juice bottles. For some reason she loves them and will hold on for dear life. She has held one from 9am until 4pm before while we've been out and about. I looked in the rear view mirror while driving home from Birmingham one day and saw my little angel asleep in her carseat, still holding on to that juice bottle :)
She also has finally adopted a 'lovey': her bunny! She likes to nap with it under one arm and whenever I hold her and give her bunny, she smiles, grabs bunny, and rests her head on it. She gets a kick out of mommy giving bunny a kiss and it's been sweet to watch her grow fond of something that she enjoys to love and cuddle (besides mommy and daddy)!
She's now 12.5 months old and is standing great on her own and cruising around furniture. She's not walking quite yet but she sure takes off with her walking toys :) I'm sure my new little toddler will be walking on her own any day now.

Forgetting Lyla

When we were pregnant with our daughter Lyla and we had just let everyone know about her life threatening diagnosis, we were overwhelmed with support from everyone around us. It truly felt amazing to feel all the love and prayers we had coming our way. What we were also surprised about was the overwhelming support we were getting from the most unexpected people. People neither of us had talked to in years, people we were never particularly close to, were reaching out in the most loving way possible.
In the midst of all this love, there were also some disappointments regarding some family and friends we thought would be there but weren't nearly as interested or concerned as we had expected them to be. I had created Lyla's blog so our loved ones who were genuinely interested, could keep up with her progress. Yet there were some people 'close' to us that I know never even read the blog. That was hurtful.
What brought me back to all of this, was this pregnancy. We are expecting our 3rd and the other day, someone close to us said, "oh yeah... This is your 3rd!!... Crazy.'
There it was. The "oh yeah." The afterthought. The 'aha' moment when someone remembers something they had forgotten. There it was. Out on the table. Clear as day. Lyla had been forgotten.
As a bereaved parent, it's difficult enough to have to watch life 'go on' and see people resume their own daily lives. Part of the fear of watching that go on around you, is the fear that your child will be forgotten. That you'll be the only one sitting alone in your sorrow while everyone else seems to forget. That's the hard part about the grieving process- the fear of forgetting. And there it was in front of me: my fear coming to the surface. While others can move on and think, 'oh that's so sad', we're living it every single day. Then a moment like that happens and it's like a bomb goes off by your head and wakes you up out of your sorrow, yet everything around you is still slow motion and silent.
Why is it, that society makes baby loss moms feel like an afterthought or an exception to the rule of bereaved parents? It's almost like you can only say aloud that your child has died if they were older. It almost feels as though there's a certain age to be able to say your child has died. When strangers ask if Harlow is my first, or if this baby is my 2nd, I always correct them and say its my 3rd and Harlow is my 2nd daughter. Normally I'll leave it at that. But if they ask anymore questions such as how old my other one is, I say she passed away. If the conversation continues to the point that I'm saying she had a chromosomal condition and she died at 32 weeks, I get a sad face, but also an 'oh okay'. Like she wasn't alive long enough for me to really know her, really miss her. Almost like I miscarried or something? Which completely crushes my heart. I had a full pregnancy, into my 3rd trimester, I carried my sick child when many others wouldn't, she enjoyed eating Honeycrisp Apples, listening to worship songs, Dancing to Britney Spears, and cold water... I was induced and delivered her, held my dead child in my arms, she was taken to a funeral home and cremated and I have her ashes with me in an urn. She was very much here, very much alive and very much my child. I am a bereaved parent and it confuses me when I get an 'oh yeah, this is your 3rd.' Yes. Yes. This is my 3rd child.
Moments like these tend to get me down and make me feel very alone. They make me come to this blog and write.
But then I'm reminded of all the love and support we still have around us and I know we will never forget her, and those who love her will never forget her either.

Harlow's 1st Birthday Party!

I was going to wait until I had more pictures until I posted about her party, but decided to post anyway.
My mom came into town the day before Harlow's Birthday party and she was so excited to walk in to say good morning to her grandma :)
Harlow has typically been slow to warm up to people, ever since she was a couple months old. But when she likes someone she lets them know. My mom has always been worried that since we live so far away, that my kids wouldn't really know her. But she doesn't have to worry about that, because Harlow has warmed up to my mom the quickest out of anyone. She came out for Christmas and Harlow was happy to let my mom hold her and play with her. I was surprised because it took a long time and she's still working on feeling comfortable with certain people here that she sees every week!
This time, it was the same- She was all smiles and reaching for my mom when we said good morning. Maybe she can sense some California-ness and it makes her feel immediately comfortable ;)
I had so much to do for her party and knew I was pressed for time. Thankfully my mom and Adam helped out so things could get done. There were still a few food things that needed to be prepared by the time guests started arriving, so my friend Jennifer and her mom were a huge help getting some last minute things ready in the kitchen.
As I was rushing around getting everything ready, I called about the cake, to make sure it was going to be on its way. After all, this cake was the centerpiece of the party... The first thing I ordered, a month in advance, and the center of her whole candy-themed party. I was so excited about it and could not wait to see it! Adam can tell you, I had been talking about this cake for months.
When I called around 10am they assured me it would be there before the start of the party at 12noon. Well... Noon rolled around and guests began to arrive... Still no cake. Finally I got a call from them, and I answered the phone assuming he was on his way and needing help with directions. Unfortunately, that wasn't what the call was about. He said,"we have your cake, but we ran into a problem with it. I'm still going to deliver it to you, but it's not what you ordered and we'll be giving you a refund."
I about died. I couldn't believe it and i couldn't wait to see what they were bringing me. To already tell me I was getting a refund... i knew it had to be bad. Finally, the 'cake' arrived half way through the party and made its grand entrance in front of everyone. It was awful. I don't understand how a cake can even turn out like it did. Literally everything was wrong and it just looked awful. It was suppose to be 4 tiers, white and smooth, with rock candy pressed up the sides, each tier a different color. What came, had a bottom tier purple(?!?!?!), the rest was white and lopsided with some frosting around each tiers bottom edge. And that's it. They assured me the cake was still good and right, it was just aesthetically all wrong. Cake time came and I cut into each tier which was suppose to be different flavors. And even that was all wrong. We also didn't receive Harlow's gluten free smash cake, so I had to cut a large slice and stick a candle on top of it. So incredibly sad!!!
She did have fun however when people sang happy birthday and she opened her presents :) I can't believe my little newborn is 1 whole year old!

Harlow's 1st Birthday!

I cant believe my little baby is 1 year old!! Yesterday morning a lot of my friends and family had texted sweet birthday messages for Harlow. I would read them to her and she would smile whenever I said 'birthday' :) Harlow had a great 1st Birthday! We spent the majority of the day down in Birmingham at The Summit with Harlow's friend Allie! We got lunch at Panera and walked around in the sunshine. After we got home, we opened presents with daddy!
Now we're looking forward to her birthday party on Saturday :)