Reconnecting

There's no easy way to put this, but for the last year or so I've removed myself from life.
I'm sure that's evident through the lack of posts on this blog. Which I swore I was going to keep up with. I keep thinking I need to update the blog. But never have the energy to actually do it. I've completely disengaged myself from living.
I feel guilty saying this given the joyful birth of our rainbow baby Harlow was in April. On Easter, really, which was a true blessing. But given the trials and tribulations I have faced, it seemed like nothing could really bring me out of this sad, depressed, zombie state that I have been in.
Harlow is the best baby in the world, with so much personality and attitude. She is extremely particular and knows what she wants ;) As awesome as those characteristics are, it also makes for a high needs and 'hard' baby. Which still, I would not change for anything. She won't be a bump on a log, that's for sure. These things about her are really going to make her who she is as she grows into a toddler, big girl, teenager😳and young lady. However they're also things that just make infant-hood pretty darn difficult.
Being a first time mom and also coming off of a loss, motherhood has been an overwhelmingly great and hard experience. I have grown and learned so much in the 11 months she has been here. I can't imagine life without her. I am also completely worn-out. Some days I'm just looking to get through it and into the next day. The mommy's with strong willed, high needs babies know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't have the time or mental capacity to really think or deal with anything else. Yet my fathers death and my daughters death still loom in the back of my head. Really, in the foundation of my head, where they've taken root.
I am filled with incredible emotion from the sudden and quick death of my father. I'm still trying to figure out how to 'do' life without him. Many days he comes into my mind and I make it leave quickly because I don't have the mental space to even START to process my feelings regarding it. Therefore it stays there, deeply rooted in the base of my mind while everything else piles on top of it.
Entwined in those same roots, are the emotions from losing my sweet first born daughter Lyla. Although having Harlow was healing in many ways, she by no means replaced her, so the hurt is still there and so many times I'm reminded of that hurt, when I look at Harlow. When she's sleeping or looking at me in just the right light, I see her sister. And it haunts me to feel like I should be watching my 2 girls playing, not just 1. But again, these feelings float out just as quickly as they float in, because I simply do not have the energy to even begin to deal with these emotions. So back to the root they go, to sit, until they decide to travel upwards again. I don't think they will ever be uprooted from my mind. In fact, I don't want them to. But they seem so entangled and jagged with grief, that I feel sometime soon, I need to begin to process these emotions, for my own well being.
When this new year rolled around, I made a resolution. I've never been one to make resolutions because I feel like if you want or need to do something, there's no better day than today. Why wait till New Years to make a resolution? But this year I did. I did because I needed something to drive me to make a change. I vowed that I was going to re-engage in life in 2013 and find happiness again. I knew it was going to be a long and difficult road but I NEEDED to do it. I couldn't continue removing myself from life. I needed to truely live again and find happiness in the many things I can be thankful for.
Part of that is going to be me updating the blog more frequently. Actually engaging this part of my life and possibly even find some clarity through posting.