On my way to this appointment, I was nervous, but mostly because I knew I wasn't getting an ultrasound this time. My Doctor informed me at my last appointment, that I wouldn't be getting one this time and despite my best efforts to explain to her how much ultrasounds would help calm me during this pregnancy, she said there were no 'grounds' to where she could file more ultrasounds with my insurance.
I headed into my appointment, still nervous, but feeling okay when my Doctor came in and asked how I was. I explained to her how anxious I had been and that I really wasn't doing too great... I was worrying about everything. I expected her to be comforting and understanding, and wanting to talk about my emotions... after all she was my Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist and was there through my pregnancy with Lyla. But instead she responded a flippant, "whyyyyyy??? You don't have to be nervoussssss, about whaaaat??" I really was not expecting that response. Suddenly I felt awkward. Like I shouldn't be feeling the way I wqs feeling, and anything I said to her from then one was just going to be an embarrassment to me. I was at a loss for words and just layed back while she prepared the gel and the doppler to listen for the heartbeat.
We were silent as she moved it around in a million different places and we listened intently to the whooshing sounds of a belly, but no heartbeat came up..... "Have you had any bleeding?" She asked casually. Umm, no I have not, and why are you asking like this is no big deal? I literally just told you how much of a nutcase I've been and you're casually asking me that as we're not finding a heartbeat? I could not believe it. I told her I had been having some cramping, but nothing outside of normal pregnancy pains and back pain that I wanted to talk to her about. We were silent a few more moments to listen, and then she decided to stop. Told me I was going to get an ultrasound after all, so we could make sure everything was fine, and then went into asking me if I've gotten a flu shot yet.
I was not ready to redirect my mind to talking about a flu shot. My doctor left, a nurse came in to give me the stupid flu shot and then told me I was free to check out. I had to remind her that my baby's heartbeat wasn't detected and I was suppose to get an ultrasound.
Frazzled at this point I get to go in and get my ultrasound. The minute the tech put the wand on my belly, we saw Bunny and it was moving around so much, just like last time. I was relieved to say the least. Heartbeat was 140bpm and I managed to get a few pictures too! I can't describe how much reassurance I get with the ultrasounds. Not only can I see that baby is alive and well, but growing and getting bigger (Lyla was very slow growing), and also to see how 'alive' my baby is by moving around so much (Lyla was always very still and mellow).
It was a pretty bad appointment: I got a scare with the doppler not detecting the heartbeat, my doctor seemed insensitive, and I never got to ask her my list of questions I had prepared because she took off after not hearing the heartbeat... but it was the best appointment because I got my ultrasound after all, and was able to see my baby, and really, that's all that matters. Jesus knows how worried I've been and I have been praying everyday for Him to take that burden away from me and grant me happiness and comfort this pregnancy. And boy has He ever. I truly feel like He let the doppler not work very well, just to give me my ultrasound He knew I very much desired. He is such a good Father!
14weeks 2days. You can totally see its nose and lips and chin :)
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