And We're Back... With Updates!

So here we are again, almost 3 months from my last post. I sadly keep falling behind on posting. Mostly because my days are so busy now having 2 under 2, that when the day finally ends and I get both the babies in bed, all I really have the energy to do is shower, and watch something I've DVR'd before getting in bed myself before Hawkin's first waking. I'm going to try really hard to get back in the groove of things!
I'll hopefully be quick with some of the updates of everything that's happened in the last 3 months- starting with Thanksgiving... Harlow and Hawkins made some Turkey shirts with their own little hands and some paint! They turned out so cute :)

Harlow's love for the outdoors continues. She never wants to leave the park, or really anything that is happening outside. 

It pleasantly makes me think of my dad every time and how I know they would just love their hikes together and picnics outdoors with Henley. Here is a very cherished picture of my nieces and nephew with my dad doing one of the special things he loved to do with his grand-babies outdoors. It pains me to see them have these memories with my dad, that my children won't ever get to experience. It just means they're going to have to share these stories and memories with my kids so they can know exactly what kind of grandpa he was.

We finally got our first family picture of the 4 of us that I totally intended on using for a Christmas card... which not surprisingly, never happened. Here is another vow to send some out next year :)

Christmas was so fun with Harlow this year because now she actually likes to open presents... and her obsession with the Bubble Guppies made for one special gift to be extra fun watching her open. 

Hawkins, at 4 months old fit into his stocking this Christmas. It's going to be so cute to look back on when he's older, remembering when he was so small to fit inside his stocking on Christmas!

We had a snow day here in January and Harlow just loved watching the snow fall. She kept saying SNOW and wanted to go outside. She would cry when we would come in to warm up a bit, because she just wanted to be out there all day.

Although some days are very exhausting, I can happily say things are going great! Every single day I see all these advancements in both of the kids development and processing.

Harlow is a major chatterbox. She talks, talks, talks... All. The. Time. It is the the most darling thing to see her personality come to life and see her growing and learning. She mostly talks in her own mile a minute language, with 'real' words scattered about. Which makes it all the more amusing when she goes on rants about something, with full on voice raising, finger pointing, and hand waving attitude.
Right now, she is starting to repeat everything we say, and then will proudly shout the word of something as we're doing it.
Examples: I'll put her cup together and she shouts STRAW! We bag up the trash and she shouts GARAGE (garbage). She finishes breakfast and runs into the living room shouting GUWEES (her favorite show Bubble Guppies). If I am talking to Adam while he's at work, I'll let Harlow know, and she'll say DADDY, WOO (work)! Whenever leaving a room or doing something new, I always say, 'Okay, let's go', which Harlow has now shortened to just SCO as she leads the way to a new room. There are a million more, but I'll leave her toddler talk at that :)
It amazes me how just 1 year ago, she wasn't even walking yet... was actually barely crawling. And now my baby looks like a little GIRL, sitting at the table eating her organic cereal in the morning with a spoon.

This girl also doesn't nap... She is learning so much and wants to be in-the-know about everything, so she has no time for it ;) She has been known to occassionally fall asleep face down on the floor or the couch. That is the only nap she will take... 

Or if we're riding in the car. It's my lucky day if I get them both asleep at the same time in the car like this cherished moment: 

Hawkins is a major sweetheart and is the sweetest baby ever. For the most part, he is super chill and relaxed. We've been in many situations where I remember Harlow would freak out or fuss, and he just hangs out. I was praying for that, as Harlow was and still is, my super high-needs baby. With that said, I also hoped he would still have her same enthusiastic, happy and silly demeanor. So far, Hawke seems to be showing signs of both as his personality continues to unveil itself. Harlow is a bit high strung, intense, and passionate, while Hawke is a very chill and easy going dude, but they both seem to be happy, silly and talkative! Harlow didn't really start 'talking' a lot until around 10 months and closer to her 1st birthday. Hawkins, at 4 months, started talking and making noises all the time.

Besides watching them grow individually and come into the people they are and are going to be, it is an absolute joy to watch their relationship grow and bloom. Harlow is the best big sister. She just adores Hawkins so much. She just wants to kiss and comfort him all day long. This also includes hugging him while he nurses, giving him hot chocolate kisses and adorning him with jewels :)

She has also picked up a lot of mommy skills. She has began trying to nurse her baby dolls and favorite stuffed animals... which as a nursing mother and breastfeeding advocate, it warms my heart to see her 'nursing' her babies instead of holding a bottle to their mouth.

She tries to give her baby dolls and stuffed animals a paci, as well as pit them in their stroller or Hawkins car seat, complete with a swaddle blanket.

The other day, we were at a play center and there were a few other kids there. One of these kids was a little boy who was probably somewhere approaching the age of one, but wasn't walking yet. He was sitting on the ground playing and Harlow held his hand, only to notice he was drooling... which then promoted her to come over by me, get into the diaper bag, get a wipe out, then proceeded back over to the little boy to wipe his mouth and clean him up :) She is going to be such a great mommy someday!

I am so thankful every day for my Rainbow Babies and many days I wonder how Lyla would fit into the mix. What would her personality have been like?
We spend so much time during the early months half hoping time would speed up a little bit and get out of the hard phases of new routines, figuring out the new little being at home, and getting to a point where we can actually get a full nights sleep, eat a full meal, or just have a moment to clean the house with both hands. But while time feels like its going slow sometimes, its actually flying by us. Unfortunately, the majority of the time, we don't realize it until we're looking back on those moments and they've already become a thing of the past. I've been hyper aware of this recently and I think I've been doing a good job of living in the moment...something that's always been hard for me to do, as I'm always looking into the future- dreaming and planning. I don't want another day to go by where I'm missing out on moments in the present, just to wish for them back down the road.

Aged By Grief

Every once and awhile I'll come across an article or someone else's blog that inspires me to write my own post. The majority of the time, it's something I've always felt but have had a hard time describing. Or I just simply didn't know how to start a post, that really just contains a whole mess of emotions. I came across this blog post, and couldn't not include it in my blog.

I feel old. 

I have said this time and time again to my mom or to Adam, but I feel incredibly old. Sometimes I look around at my peers, and feel disconnected. Almost like I'm from an entirely different generation. But more so than that, my soul and mind feel old. My heart feels worn. 

During the nesting spree I've been on lately with cleaning and organizing all the different corners of our house, many of those days consisted of pictures. Pictures from old frames that needed to be thrown out. Pictures stuck behind one another from being taped up on display one too many times. Pictures that have floated around from room to room without a place to settle.

Over the course of gathering all of these pictures, I couldn't help but be taken back to a time where I felt young. I felt carefree. I felt happy. I look at the smiles on my face, and feel pure contentment. So genuine, so real, so happy. 

Who is that person? It feels so far away. It feels distant. It feels like I'm looking at me from a different life. 

Or like I'm 90 years old and reflecting back on my life. Seeing the Popsicle stained smiles, the silly faces, and eyes that almost appear closed because I'm smiling so hard. 

The more I look at those pictures. The more memories it brings back and I can almost feel my old self coming back. 

What had changed since then? How did I get to be the person I feel like I am now? When did this change happen?

It happened on a sunny March day, 2.5 years ago. I was blissfully naive and pregnant. Unaware of the possibility that things in life, especially having kids, could be anything other than perfect. We got word that something was wrong with our baby, but we didn't know what. 

Let your mind run wild with what you think you may feel in that moment. Now multiply that by 10 for how it actually feels in real life. And then extend that by 4 days while you wait to be seen by another hospital to review your 'case'. 

That is when 'life' started to chip away at my spirit. Add a couple years. 

I learned terms I never could have pronounced on my own, underwent tests I had no clue existed, and waited a few more days until we actually got a diagnosis. One that is so rare and uncommon, I have yet to reveal her condition and have someone remotely understand what it means. Add a few more years. 

I watch an ultrasound screen reveal my sweet daughters lifeless body as we discover her heart had stopped beating. I am induced and drugged as I spend 16 hours in labor, delivering my already dead daughter. I hold her and cry. I hold her and wonder how in the world I even made it to this point still alive. I hold her and cry some more. Add more years. 

Still recovering from labor, I go to a funeral home to fill out 'paperwork' and my heart aches as I have to write 'Lyla' and 'daughter' next to the word deceased. I cry over her body in a room of caskets before Adam has to tear me away so we can leave. Add 10 more years. 

Beyond thrilled to be pregnant again, with our healthy rainbow baby, I am a ball of nerves at every appointment and ultrasound. What started as an exciting moment, had turned into fear and worry- for I know what can happen. Anxiety and OCD are now my 2 best friends in life. At our anatomy scan, I half expected them to find something. When all looked perfect, I attempted to let myself 'relax' again. 

It happened. On a sunny afternoon, the day before thanksgiving. A week after our perfect anatomy scan. Ingredients for gender reveal cupcakes were laying on the kitchen counter, while my dad was laying in bed upstairs. That night, we found out he had stage 4 lung cancer, that had metastasized to spots all over his brain. My dad found out our rainbow baby was another girl, in his hospital room, in a hospital gown, with cancer. Add some more years. 

It's the morning of my baby shower, and although my dad is in a lot of pain, he touched my belly and spoke to Harlow in his loud and boisterous Italian voice. She moved around a lot for him to feel her. Immediately following my baby shower, an ambulance is called and we head to the hospital. His brain is now bleeding and there's nothing they can do to stop the bleed. This same trip, we get news that the chemo isn't working, the cancer has spread, and he's given 'months' to live. Two weeks later... My dad dies the day after my birthday. I was 31 weeks. Add some more years. 

Since then, I feel like I've been in survival mode. I try so hard to get up and be happy and be thankful and see all of the blessings around me. I try to get up and live a normal life, but I'm weighted down. I look in the mirror, and I'm not quite sure who is looking back at me. I over think and over analyze daily, trying to get back to the 'old me'. That smiling and carefree face in all of those old pictures I keep coming across while nesting for our 3rd little joy. I want my husband to have the old me. I want Harlow and Hawkins to know the old me. I keep trying to get back to the old me, that I fight all of the things that have aged me. 

Maybe, just maybe, I need to embrace them. I need to learn to grow and evolve and accept the fact that life is going to change you.... And maybe, even when it feels dark, and lonely and like there's no light in the sky, it's making me exactly who I am meant to be.

I need to find a new normal- find happiness, even in the midst of darkness.  And maybe then, during that sacred dance of joy and sorrow, I can see myself for what I am. I can see myself through His eyes, with all the strength He's equipped me to have. Maybe then, with a thankful heart, I can realize that I can only fulfill my purpose, by walking the path He has set for me, no matter how treacherous.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Dad,

Your birthday was November 13th, and all week I was thinking about you and how much I wish you were still here. You taught me so much about life, were my biggest fan, always an encourager and the person who I could call feeling so down, confused, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed (really any emotion in the book), and I would hang up the phone feeling so good. It always felt like everything made sense, and everything would be alright, after I got done talking with you. 

The morning of your birthday, I was up for a feeding with Hawke around 5am, and after I put him back to bed, the sun was rising. What a perfect way to start November 13th.... I snapped a picture. 

You loved the mornings. That was your time. You would often get up at 5 or 6am to start your day and would roll out of bed with no problem at all. I can picture you now, waking up and looking out the huge picture window in your room, and seeing the sun rise over the golden hills in Clayton, California. The window you stare out of is that of your dream home. The one you built with your own 2 hands, and final thing written on your goal sheet you created when you were 20. I can see you standing at the window, all dressed and ready to start the day, staring out at the beauty of the morning. 

I see you go down stairs, start your coffee and eat some breakfast while reading the newspaper in the breakfast nook. You had such a thankful heart for God waking you up every morning to His beauty. I can see you sitting in the still of the morning in a quiet house and I want so bad to join you at the table. Tell you Happy Birthday and how I've felt so lost without you. 

Knowing you, you probably would have had a birthday breakfast date planned at Country Waffles with one of your many friends. If it was a Sunday, I can guarantee you would be bringing donuts in for your Usher Team at church, all the while letting everyone know it was your birthday, so you could be showered wih even more love than you were already receiving on Sunday's :). 

As a kid, I developed a tradition of always making a banner for many holidays. Mainly birthdays and things like Mother's Day and Father's Day. These banners were originally created on your old fax machine rolls of paper. This November 13th, it pains me to not be home and making you a banner that you always seemed to love so much. 

Hawkins started his day by wearing green, you're favorite color. I smiled to myself after I was looking through the pictures we took. Your pj pants were the background :). It was one of many things throughout the day that made me feel like you were close to me.

I wish you were here to see Hawke. You would just love him so much! You would carry his pictures with the rest of ours in your ziplock baggie in your truck to show to everyone! 

As the day started, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do to celebrate your day. I knew I wanted us to release a balloon, because we do that for Lyla on her birthday. Our kids are always going to know and remember Lyla, even though they never got to meet their big sister... And they will always know and remember their grandpa Rocco, even though neither of them got to meet you. You do get to be with one of your grandchildren though, sweet Lyla :) I am so happy you are there to be grandpa Rocco to her. She is so lucky! 

The balloon that seemed to have fallen into our laps, was a birthday ballon that read Make A Wish. That was you! You were always such a dreamer, one of the many things I am so thankful to have inherited from you. Every birthday you made sure to have a good wish before blowing out your candles. I couldn't wait to send it up to you. 

There are pictures of you on the refrigerator and Harlow knows them. When I ask "where's grandpa Rocco?" She smiles and points to you. Every time I tell her you're in heaven with Jesus and Lyla. 

I think back to Lyla's balloon release for her memorial and I know you enjoyed doing that and reflecting on her short life. You were gone before her first birthday, but I know if you were here, you would have done a balloon release just like we do on her birthday. Now you both get to receive our balloons and celebrate together. That brings me such comfort :)

Harlow hasn't been too into coloring despite my best efforts to get different kinds of crayons and markers to spike some curiosity. Coloring holds her attention for about 10 seconds while she attempts to make a few dots on the paper, and then gets bored with it. On your birthday, I wrote Happy Birthday Grandpa Rocco on her page, and what do you know, she made her first lines of color on the page! She was very excited she was actually 'drawing'. 

On our way home, my best friend Casey suggested I think WWRD? What would Rocco do? I started getting flooded with ideas. I was so bummed out your birthday was coming to a close and I was just then thinking of some really awesome ways to celebrate you. Next year, I promise we'll make it even better. 

I love you so much and cannot even begin to put into words my love for you and how your absence has created such a tremendous void in my life. I think of you everyday and am still in disbelief that you're not just a phone call away. It's almost thanksgiving... Your favorite time of year. It will never be the same again and it brings me to tears to think we'll never have another thanksgiving together... But that's a whole other post in itself. 

Happy Birthday daddy!!! Enjoy all of the attention in heaven and kiss Lyla for me! 

- your Pretty Pretty Princess