Harlow & Hawkins Fall Pictures

We took our annual trip home to California a few weeks ago and had such a great time. I'm from California, but currently live in Alabama, where Adam is from. We usually only get to take a visit home to the west coast about once a year. Which will never be enough in my book, but its better than nothing! My high school cheerleading advisor and now great friend, Jenete Kline, took these amazing impromptu photos of the kids while we were there. We joke and laugh about it now, but my kids don't have the best track record with cooperating for pictures, so I went into this with zero expectations. To my surprise, it went fantastic and she got some amazing photos of them. I just had to share :)

  

All Photos by: Jenete Kline Photography

Return To Zero review

So this has been a long time coming and a long time in the making, but I wanted to write my own little 'review' on Return To Zero since I have talked quite a bit about it and the movie had finally premiered. If you haven't seen it yet, you absolutely need to! Lifetime has re-aired it a few times, and I'm sure they will again in the near future. You can also buy a copy here as well! Again, this movie was about promoting awareness beyond just pregnancy loss, but baby loss, particularly, experiencing a stillbirth. Everyone's story is different, experience is different, and everyone's grief journey is unique to them as well. I was hoping I would be able to identify with this film as much as I thought I would, and I was right. I don't want to spoil any parts of the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but I also want to write somewhat of a personal reflection on certain parts of the film that I identified with or that struck me the most. If you've seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. And if you haven't had the chance to see it yet, it will give you more of an idea about what the movie is about and what it entails.

There's a scene where Maggie, shortly after delivering her stillborn son, attends the baby shower of her still pregnant friend. The same friend, that she would fantasize with about their babies growing up as friends and favorite playmates. After delivering and holding her dead baby, Maggie is then thrown back into the world by attending her still pregnant friends baby shower. Her anxiety is apparent the minute she arrives at the shower and she fearfully asks her friend if shes 'felt her baby today'. This little seed of anxiety takes root and begins to grow like ivy over our entire being. It becomes all consuming. This overcoming shadow of fear blankets everything in life. Shortly after she arrives, a few people at the shower see her and scurry away. Maggie notices this and is like, that's right, run away! Maggie's own mother scolds her and says, "It's hard for people. They don't know what to say to you." This is precisely the message a lot of society sends to bereaved parents. All attention is to be paid to everyone else, because it's hard for them. We're told, however sometimes in more subtle ways, to put our reality to the side- to spare the feelings of others. We don't want to make others uncomfortable... make them feel awkward... we're suppose to put their feelings at ease... while we're the ones living these people's nightmares.

Society repeatedly sends us the message that baby loss is hard to hear. It's sad, it's depressing, it's unfathomable. You don't want to think about it too long.

So we are silent.

We sweep it under the rug, tuck it behind a door and into a dark closet. Where it supposedly belongs. We're always being sent the message to keep it under wraps. Keep our story hidden away, our grief hidden away, our child hidden away. We're being told to ignore our own emotions and feelings. Or at the very least keep them private. All for the sake of everyone else. We aren't suppose to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a subject people don't want to hear about.

That simple exchange at her friends baby shower, speaks multitudes about the burden society puts on bereaved parents to be silent in order to spare the feelings of everyone else. Heaven forbid we make someone uncomfortable at the thought of their baby dying. We live it every second of the day. On top of grieving, we're told to do it silently. I've spoken about this before. But I am at a part in my grief journey where I don't shy away from talking about Lyla at all. And if I sense someone's uncomfortable and they don't really want to hear about her, I just talk about her louder. The only way we're going to break the silence is by speaking of our babies proudly.

When Maggie and Aaron meet with their doctor after discovering that Arthur had died, they are asked a series of questions that they halfheartedly even listen to because they still hadn't grasped the entire reality that their baby, that she was still pregnant with, had died. The social worker asked if they had thought about a burial or cremation. Blown away at the very thought of that, Aaron responds, "I'm sorry, I didn't know I would need to think about that." I mean, really, who thinks about that and plans a burial or cremation for their baby? We experienced the same surreal reaction when discussing with our MFM doctor about where we go from here. We found out Lyla's diagnosis was incompatible with life via an amniocentesis half way through our pregnancy. As we started journeying through the cold reality that we were going to have to say goodbye to her at some point and that she would die, part of what came with that, was researching funeral homes. I started the process with calling and setting up appointments with different places. I don't even know if I can put into words exactly what it felt like, to walk into a funeral home, pregnant, holding your belly, feeling your child moving about, and explaining to the funeral director, that we needed information on cremation and burials for our child... yes, the child I am pregnant with. The confused looks we got were unreal. What was even more unreal, was the fact that it would be thousands of dollars for a casket and burial for an infant. We visited a few different funeral homes and got many of the same reactions, and a lot of the same information. It was exhausting and left a pit in my stomach at each one. Literally my heart felt so heavy and my lungs felt like they could never draw enough air to just breathe.

After delivering Arthur and meeting with her doctor privately, she talks about how that hour she spent with Arthur after delivering him, "was the most beautiful hour of my life. I didn't want it to end." It is so incredibly hard to have to say goodbye to your baby. To not be able to bring them home with you. It is so unnatural. I remember after leaving the hospital, I insisted on being able to see her again at the funeral home. I've written about that moment before, but it continues to be one of the most painfully profound and beautiful moments I can recall and talk about. I left the funeral home so engulfed by pain and emotions.... Adam had to push me out of there because I couldn't bring myself to leave. There was not enough time in the world for me to stay there with her. I wanted to bring her home. I desperately wished there was a way for me to just bring her home with me, even though she was dead. I did not and could not leave her. In the movie, Maggie says, "I'm afraid if I let go of the pain, I'm going to lose the last piece I have of him." There's something so rawfully true about that statement. In the obvious way, after a loss of any kind, the moment you realize you're smiling again, you feel guilty for being able to be 'happy', even if it is just for a moment. And on a deeper level, I think bereaved parents get so used to feeling the pain, and seeing that as recognition of their child. If you start to let go of the pain, it feels like you're letting go of them. As time goes on, it really is a roller coaster of emotions. Some days or seasons, you find yourself genuinely happy, and you're able to recall your child in a positive light- seeing things through grateful rose colored lenses. Other days or seasons your blank and numb to everything. I know sometimes I've reverted back to a zombie state out of nowhere... grief has a way of sneaking up on you, no matter how much time has passed.

My favorite conversation in the film is the one between her and her high risk doctor. After she reveals that she too lost her child, she speaks about how she's been fortunate enough to go through that. Now typically you would not use the word fortunate when talking about baby loss families. But the truth is, we are lucky to carry with us everything our babies taught us about being a parent.

The children we do get to keep with us on earth, are so very precious to us. We know what it is like to have a child taken from you. To birth a child you don't get to bring home. To hope and wish and pray your child would be brought back to life. We hold their lifeless body, as our tears blanket them. Hoping they can at least feel how much we love them. It's more than anything in the world. An indescribable, pains your body, love. 

I've spoken of my intense anxiety regarding my kids well being before. And it all stems from this. I am terrified something is going to happen to them. I know what it's like. I've been there before. I do not take a single second for granted with them. I love them more deeply and appreciate them greater, because of losing Lyla.

When her doctor says she's been fortunate enough to experience her loss. I can attest that it's 100% true. I know without a doubt, I wouldn't be the type of mom I am today, had it not been for Lyla's life and everything she taught me while she was on this earth.

I love greater and deeper than I ever could have before. For that, I am eternally grateful.

My favorite part of the movie... The part I could barely breathe through tears at, and the part I was most brought back to my journey with Lyla, was when she was delivering Arthur. I was so nervous, and so scared, and so timid. It becomes so overwhelming and scary trying to deliver your child that died, that you suddenly generate courage and start mothering your baby on its way out. "Come on baby, mommy's here, you can do it".... and then you meet. There is your baby, your precious baby that your body held and protected all this time. I remember feeling so scared, and then I had her. I held her. I looked at her. I kissed her. I admired her. I talked to her. And I thanked God for her. She was and is such an incredible gift.

Towards the end of the movie, Aaron gets into a fight with his father over something work related. He makes the decision to choose his family over work and over his father's wishes. After his dad says something to him about him being family, Aaron replies, "I know about family, I've held my dead son." That part is so powerful. I think so many people while managing their own family dysfunction, put relationships on the back burner, or let family relationships stay surfacy but then call it 'family'. The word family, and what it means, is truly felt after you've given birth to your dead baby, and you sit, as a family, while grieving and figuring out where to go from there, The grief journey ahead, is not meant to be done alone. To go through this entire experience and journey, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, that I was chosen to walk this journey. That I was chosen to be Lyla's mom, and that she was chosen to leave the incredible mark she did on our lives and this big world around us.

After giving birth to their Rainbow baby, Maggie talks to her baby about Arthur. She says, "I want to tell you about someone." Being able to put Harlow in her little sister onesie at the hospital, was so healing for me. Being able to see her, alive and in my arms, and being able to think of Lyla at the same time, brought me such peace. It also opened the door for anyone at the hospital to reference her shirt and ask about her big sister. While Maggie was being wheeled out of the hospital, holding her rainbow baby, the person pushing her asks if its her first. She proudly replies no... "I have two."

I have three.


"Nobody tells you the relationship you have with them after they die."

This blog is our journey after the storm. Both the happy times with our rainbows as well as our grief journey and continuing to remember Lyla and the legacy she left behind. 

Adventures with Harlow & Hawke

So once again, I am back from taking a 6 month hiatus on blogging. I absolutely hate getting in those spells, but things have just been incredibly busy over here. These two have me exhausted at the end of the day, that when they're finally in bed, I don't have the energy for much of anything. I'll try to do a quick update with what the two H's have been up to.
One of Harlow's absolute favorite things to do is be outside. From the minute she wakes up, she yells "outside!!!!!" Where she then waits and waits until I finally open the door for us to go outside. Our mornings are long and usually consist of breakfast and getting ready for our day, doing dishes, starting laundry, packing up the diaper bag and typically by then, I'm putting Hawkins down for a nap. While all of this is going on, Harlow is usually being my little shadow with her rain boots on... they're the only shoes she can pull on completely by herself, and she knows whenever we go outside, we put shoes on. She puts her boots on, so whenever I do open that door, she's ready :)

She loves the park so much. From the swings to the slides, she just loves to run and yell and play with other kids! 

Her vocabulary is growing so much, I almost can't keep up with the words she knows. It's especially funny to hear the words and phrases that we obviously say a lot, because she's begun saying them, and I most certainly didn't 'teach' them to her. Some examples... "Sorry". She has become a pro at saying 'sorry' and what amazes me is that she knows exactly the appropriate scenario in which you might say sorry. We'll be in the grocery store and we'll be squeezing by someone with our cart... She goes 'sorry!!!' Haha. She'll drop something, and say 'sorry!' as she picks it up. 

A while back, we were at the park and I was watching Harlow play with two other older girls who were there. They were all in a tunnel and Harlow slid down as one was trying to come up. I heard Harlow's little voice say 'sorry!' And the other girl went, 'it's okay!' It warms my heart to see these little interactions and her doing them all on her own. 

Another super cute phrase she says is "there ya go!" If I fix something for her, she'll say "there ya go!" It is the sweetest thing! Over just a few months, she seems to be talking in complete sentences now, and always wants to talk. Sometimes, she'll just start talking about all these random things at once, just because she wants to have a conversation. The go-to conversation topics for her are usually Chase (her best friend), mall, pizza, fro-yo, crayons, and stee-stee's (stickers). Those are some of her favorite things right now, and when sh'es not doing one of them, she wants to talk about one of them.
Hawkins.... is my big boy now! He just turned 1 over the weekend and it's like he suddenly isn't my little baby anymore, (despite still wearing 0-3 month bottoms). One of my big, 'oh my gosh' moments, was a couple weeks before he turned one, and I had no clue he even knew what I was saying. I was on the floor holding him and Harlow wanted a pouch. So I looked at Hawkins and asked him 'do you want to get Harlow a pouch?' Thinking I was just explaining what I was doing, I started to head to the pantry to get her one, until I realized Hawke was already on his way there. I opened the pantry door, and he went straight for the box of pouches. I grabbed one for Harlow and gave it to her, and on my way back, I passed Hawkins as he was bringing it to her; climbed up on her chair, reached his arms up, and gave her the pouch. I was completely amazed that he knew what I was saying, and got down to do it himself! I think sometimes, his size throws me for a loop, and I forget exactly how old he is. Regardless, he is an incredibly smart little boy! 

Harlow and Hawkins also have a blossoming relationship and it's so fun to see them laugh and smile at each other. It almost feels like a secret language whenever I watch them together.
I'm hoping to figure out some sort of a groove to get back to blogging regularly because I miss it!

World Premiere of Return to Zero

Many of you may remember awhile back I posted about the film Return to Zero. If not, here it is.

As a state and local leader, I asked for pledges so we could get this film into theaters and into the mainstream. THANK YOU so much for those pledges! After showing at film festivals this past season, it has been picked up! But will be premiering on Lifetime. 

To be honest, at first I was a little letdown. The writer and director, Sean Hanish, worked so hard on making him and his wife's journey with their son, into a film. Upon completion, he fought along with the baby loss community to get this film seen worldwide. 

Getting a movie like this to be shown in theaters, would truly break the silence on baby loss and stillbirth. It would be a huge step in raising awareness, and would be the first of its kind.

To hear that its big debut would be a TV debut was a bit of a letdown. 

After 60 seconds of feeling that way, I started to shift my thinking. Maybe, it's actually better that way... 

The point of creating this film was to raise awareness in a very different and real way. In order to break the silence, people not only need to hear about it and sign a pledge sheet, but see it. 

With this kind of debut, I think we'll be able to reach a wider audience with people getting to watch it at no cost and from their own home. At the end of the day, it isn't about money or rising to the top of the box office charts. It's about breaking the silence and getting as many people as we can to not shun away from stillbirth and baby loss, but to watch it. Learn about it. Reflect on it. Get a glimpse into the lives of baby loss parents and their journey following losing their child. As well as their journey getting pregnant again after a loss. 

This film is close to us because our daughter  Lyla was stillborn. Besides being a heartbreaking journey carrying her, it also brought challenges in the aftermath of losing her and us 'returning to zero'. I try my best to accurately put our story into words so that whoever our audience may be, they may feel what we felt, and journey with us. But seeing it on film, is very special and unique. 

Besides premiering here in the U.S., it will also be premiering on Lifetime in Canada, the U.K., Southeast Asia, Hong Kong, and other to be announced territories. This is huge and such an accomplishment. I am even more convinced that this was exactly the route this film needed to take in order to reach as many people as possible. Check out this article in The Hollywood Reporter. 

This film also journey's into the struggles of getting pregnant again as we did with our rainbow baby Harlow. Although this is Sean and his wife's story, it aligns itself with our personal story as well. I cannot wait for the debut and hope you set your DVR's and join us in breaking the silence and submerging yourself into this film on loss.

3-1=0. 

World premiere of Return to Zero:

Saturday, May 17, 2014 on Lifetime. 

The Light At The End of The Tunnel

I was driving in the car the other day and glanced into my rear view mirror like I always do. Not looking for anything in particular really. Just checking on the kids. This time however, left a pit in my stomach.

I glanced into the mirror like every other time before, and saw my kids. All 3 of them. Harlow is still rear facing, so I see both her and Hawke in their seat back mirrors. 

Ever since Harlow was born, there have been many times I've taken some pictures to look back at later and I'll see bits and pieces of Lyla. There are certain looks that Harlow makes, that look just like her sister. It brings a smile to my face everytime because it's one of those subtle and sweet reminders that she has an older sister. I like seeing Lyla in her. Although they look different, those times she gives a certain look, make me flash to what this life would look like with Lyla here. Sisters.

It's unnerving looking at Hawke sometimes though. It is unreal how much they look alike. When I looked in my rear view mirror, for a split second, I caught a glimpse of Lyla, just riding around in her carseat. 

My heart beats fast, I start to feel warm and my eyes start to burn. Everything slows down for I'm sure just a few seconds, but it feels like minutes. 

She should be here. Sitting in her carseat. With her brother and sister next to her. I should be looking at three reflections in the mirror, not just two. 

I look at Hawkins and see Lyla all the time. It's hard to really deem it as something beautiful or something sorrowful. Although complete opposites, I have to say it's both. When one tugs on your heart, the other pulls it back. It's a tug of war between the beauty and sorrow, the smile and tears, the calm and the panic. 

She would be 3 this year. 

When Harlow plays 'Lyla's music' or gives her picture in the hallway a kiss, I talk to Harlow happily about her sister. I hear myself saying how she's in heaven with Jesus... How beautiful she is and how we wish she was here... What a great little sister Harlow is for showing her big sister so much love. 

I walk away and catch myself in the hallway mirror. I feel pain. I see sadness. I see myself pretending. I feel guilty. 

Sometimes the tug of war between happiness and sadness gets to be too overwhelming and I start to feel guilt.

Guilt for feeling or showing sadness, when my rainbows Harlow and Hawkins, are very much here with me and healthy. Shouldn't that be enough? 

Guilt for talking about Lyla happily and excitedly with the kids, when really I'm walking away feeling sad that my baby died.

The reality is, it's tough carrying around guilt for simply feeling emotions. The struggle between the highs and lows of grief is what becomes maddening. No matter what end you fall on, there's guilt for being there. On a sad day, I feel guilty for being sad for the sake of Harlow and Hawke who are very much alive and here with me. And on a happy day, I feel guilt for 'forgetting about Lyla'. Even though it's absolutely not possible. 

This is a struggle that is going to be never ending. As long as I'm here and without her, I'm going to long for her to be with us. 

I remember driving home from the NICU, bringing Hawkins home from the hospital.  I looked in the review mirror at 2 kids peacefully sleeping on the ride home. I smiled to myself as I drove home carrying that precious cargo. When I looked back a second time I couldn't help but think I should be looking back at three. 

We will always be one less. One less carseat. One less birthday party. One less visit from the tooth fairy. One less stocking to fill. One less graduation. One less wedding. 

Society has us thinking our goal is to get back to normal.  To put the past behind us. To put our grief behind us. To see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

But the truth is, this tunnel is our life. When we keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, everything along the way is a dark blur flying past each side of us. We need to stop thinking the end result in the grief journey, is getting to this proposed happiness that's waiting for us in the presence of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If we take our desperate eyes off the light at the end, we'll notice there's lights along the way. Leading us forward, and lighting our path if we have the courage to continue stepping forward. The light is a shining beacon of hope and faith and a reminder of what waits for us at the end if we have the strength to continue the journey. Although parts of the tunnel are dark, just when we think we can't see enough to take another step, another light lights the way. These two rainbows of mine are on either side of me, walking with me. If I ever think I can't take another step, their lights just shine a little brighter.

And We're Back... With Updates!

So here we are again, almost 3 months from my last post. I sadly keep falling behind on posting. Mostly because my days are so busy now having 2 under 2, that when the day finally ends and I get both the babies in bed, all I really have the energy to do is shower, and watch something I've DVR'd before getting in bed myself before Hawkin's first waking. I'm going to try really hard to get back in the groove of things!
I'll hopefully be quick with some of the updates of everything that's happened in the last 3 months- starting with Thanksgiving... Harlow and Hawkins made some Turkey shirts with their own little hands and some paint! They turned out so cute :)

Harlow's love for the outdoors continues. She never wants to leave the park, or really anything that is happening outside. 

It pleasantly makes me think of my dad every time and how I know they would just love their hikes together and picnics outdoors with Henley. Here is a very cherished picture of my nieces and nephew with my dad doing one of the special things he loved to do with his grand-babies outdoors. It pains me to see them have these memories with my dad, that my children won't ever get to experience. It just means they're going to have to share these stories and memories with my kids so they can know exactly what kind of grandpa he was.

We finally got our first family picture of the 4 of us that I totally intended on using for a Christmas card... which not surprisingly, never happened. Here is another vow to send some out next year :)

Christmas was so fun with Harlow this year because now she actually likes to open presents... and her obsession with the Bubble Guppies made for one special gift to be extra fun watching her open. 

Hawkins, at 4 months old fit into his stocking this Christmas. It's going to be so cute to look back on when he's older, remembering when he was so small to fit inside his stocking on Christmas!

We had a snow day here in January and Harlow just loved watching the snow fall. She kept saying SNOW and wanted to go outside. She would cry when we would come in to warm up a bit, because she just wanted to be out there all day.

Although some days are very exhausting, I can happily say things are going great! Every single day I see all these advancements in both of the kids development and processing.

Harlow is a major chatterbox. She talks, talks, talks... All. The. Time. It is the the most darling thing to see her personality come to life and see her growing and learning. She mostly talks in her own mile a minute language, with 'real' words scattered about. Which makes it all the more amusing when she goes on rants about something, with full on voice raising, finger pointing, and hand waving attitude.
Right now, she is starting to repeat everything we say, and then will proudly shout the word of something as we're doing it.
Examples: I'll put her cup together and she shouts STRAW! We bag up the trash and she shouts GARAGE (garbage). She finishes breakfast and runs into the living room shouting GUWEES (her favorite show Bubble Guppies). If I am talking to Adam while he's at work, I'll let Harlow know, and she'll say DADDY, WOO (work)! Whenever leaving a room or doing something new, I always say, 'Okay, let's go', which Harlow has now shortened to just SCO as she leads the way to a new room. There are a million more, but I'll leave her toddler talk at that :)
It amazes me how just 1 year ago, she wasn't even walking yet... was actually barely crawling. And now my baby looks like a little GIRL, sitting at the table eating her organic cereal in the morning with a spoon.

This girl also doesn't nap... She is learning so much and wants to be in-the-know about everything, so she has no time for it ;) She has been known to occassionally fall asleep face down on the floor or the couch. That is the only nap she will take... 

Or if we're riding in the car. It's my lucky day if I get them both asleep at the same time in the car like this cherished moment: 

Hawkins is a major sweetheart and is the sweetest baby ever. For the most part, he is super chill and relaxed. We've been in many situations where I remember Harlow would freak out or fuss, and he just hangs out. I was praying for that, as Harlow was and still is, my super high-needs baby. With that said, I also hoped he would still have her same enthusiastic, happy and silly demeanor. So far, Hawke seems to be showing signs of both as his personality continues to unveil itself. Harlow is a bit high strung, intense, and passionate, while Hawke is a very chill and easy going dude, but they both seem to be happy, silly and talkative! Harlow didn't really start 'talking' a lot until around 10 months and closer to her 1st birthday. Hawkins, at 4 months, started talking and making noises all the time.

Besides watching them grow individually and come into the people they are and are going to be, it is an absolute joy to watch their relationship grow and bloom. Harlow is the best big sister. She just adores Hawkins so much. She just wants to kiss and comfort him all day long. This also includes hugging him while he nurses, giving him hot chocolate kisses and adorning him with jewels :)

She has also picked up a lot of mommy skills. She has began trying to nurse her baby dolls and favorite stuffed animals... which as a nursing mother and breastfeeding advocate, it warms my heart to see her 'nursing' her babies instead of holding a bottle to their mouth.

She tries to give her baby dolls and stuffed animals a paci, as well as pit them in their stroller or Hawkins car seat, complete with a swaddle blanket.

The other day, we were at a play center and there were a few other kids there. One of these kids was a little boy who was probably somewhere approaching the age of one, but wasn't walking yet. He was sitting on the ground playing and Harlow held his hand, only to notice he was drooling... which then promoted her to come over by me, get into the diaper bag, get a wipe out, then proceeded back over to the little boy to wipe his mouth and clean him up :) She is going to be such a great mommy someday!

I am so thankful every day for my Rainbow Babies and many days I wonder how Lyla would fit into the mix. What would her personality have been like?
We spend so much time during the early months half hoping time would speed up a little bit and get out of the hard phases of new routines, figuring out the new little being at home, and getting to a point where we can actually get a full nights sleep, eat a full meal, or just have a moment to clean the house with both hands. But while time feels like its going slow sometimes, its actually flying by us. Unfortunately, the majority of the time, we don't realize it until we're looking back on those moments and they've already become a thing of the past. I've been hyper aware of this recently and I think I've been doing a good job of living in the moment...something that's always been hard for me to do, as I'm always looking into the future- dreaming and planning. I don't want another day to go by where I'm missing out on moments in the present, just to wish for them back down the road.